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I’ve my new Insoles

So, for most of the day I was a total Zombie. I thought I would be able to work some on the laptop…yeah, right. Can’t see well enough to work without a vicious headache, and I was hardly able to last half an hour before falling into bed and staying there.

Than I had to Taxi to meet Antongarou, cause I was not steady enough to walk.

The way there was slowwwwwww. Jams, jams, jams all over. Hell.
But. I put the new insoles in. Stand up. And start gargling.

Hagar will remember probably the smile that split my face in two after the first time AM helped me fly. Well. It was like that.

Instantly, there was less stress in my back, neck and shoulders. I could feel how my walk is more normal. How I’m standing better. Could not stop smiling and, ammm, moaning in relief. AV was worried….he thought I was in pain, until he realized that my ability to hide pleasure is nil, and I’m just purring with joy. And than he smiled a huge, happy smile.

He told me to wear them only an hour today, and two tomorrow – and not to go to work. Since it will requite ajusjment.

And, as I was warned later, the rebound after I returned to the old ones was immediate and intense. I can’t stand up right now – had to sit down in the elivatore. So, yeah, no work tomorrow. And also, there are some new and interesting muscles that hurt really bad in the lges now.

But I’m overjoyed. I think it will improve greatly the quality of my life. Because, intense, enduring pain is extremely exhausting.

And then we stopped at the Pancake House to eat, and had another reason to purr with delight.

Also, I have a Beta! (thanks, honey, so much). That’s makes me so happy. I will start as she suggested on snippets. Maybe something from the 100, as I still have intense love for Lexa. One can always ignore Canon.

I almost can't believe it - but it took me about two hours, only, to settle down and begin to work.

I mean that only. It's not so easy to handle such a difficult and traumatic procedure such as exposure therapy without going into a meltdown for the rest of the day. And after a hard week, too. (The party was loads of fun - my own self hate issues notwithstanding. But the rest of the day was horrible. And the week was overloaded to such a degree I was forced to postpone Gita to this Tuesday. Been ages since I've done that).

So. I'm almost proud of myself, right now. Maybe I should add a star in that book for that.

As expected, the accumulation of stress and fatigue from last week resulted in my being a Zombie throughout yesterday. We had adjusted our scheduled accordingly. The aim was to rest as much as possible. SO, the planned trip to Ikia is postponed until farther notice.

Right now I'm at work and functioning rather normally. I'm still very much on edge and stressed, and working on calming myself via Biofeedback techniques. I'm rather glad to be sited alone in the Safe Room right now - this is precisely the kind of space and environment I need to get myself under control.

I'm also avoiding from playing with Jukbox until coming home tonight, since if I start fretting over how to translate things and if I'm actually good enough to participate in this exchange, I will not work and it's a shame. I have the motivation and I have creativity drive. One has to through him - or herself into the water and start swimming if one wants to grow and learn. I've learned this on more than one occasion, on more than one thing.

(Yes, this is my attempt at a pep-talk directed toward soothing my panic attack, caused by thinking "I'm worthless as a writer, what was I thinking, that I can actually accomplish something here? You know you will try and try and fail and than default in the end, right?

So. I'm trying to convince my panicked Self - well, perhaps you will fail speculatively darling. You will not know until you try /)

So, here's for trying.

Did it! *jumps up and down for joy. I've actually did it, and it's not half bad, either, despite my massive lack of spoons. I really can do pinch hits. Or at least, several ficlets. I think this is the fourth, so all in all, it’s about one Pinch hit and a third?

So, yeah, after that I trust myself to enter next year. (yes. That’s why I didn’t enter so far. Didn’t think I have it in me to write and publish even 100 lines. And was afraid of fucking up, and than needing to default, and…)

But I think I will be all right, after all. What a surprising discovery about one’s self.

Hope the receiver will enjoy it, anyway, but I enjoyed the writing process and the challenge and the…chance to give something, I guess?

Anyhow.

We decided to go to the Optometrist the the doctor recced us today ,as AV canceled on us on the last minute. (he had excellent reasons both times, but this is starting to get to me. If we can’t make and actually get to an appointment by the end of the week, I will have no choice but to go for a lesser, but at least more accessible Insoles expert. I really hope it will not come to that –Hagar says he is the best in the country and she knows him for a long while, and god knows I need someone who is among the best at least. But.

But that’s beside the point – we went to the Optometrist today. I was stressed as all hell, and waiting an hour didn’t help. But once we got in he was professional and efficient; He looked at the letter from the doctor, made a few measurements of his own. And then suggested we go for a temp solution - Prism stickers. It’s cheaper by far than full Prism lens. The propose here is to see if there is an improvement in my current fucked up situation. If there is some, than we will upgrade this.

He will also add Polarized lanes to my glass, and those also will be clips. All in all it should not be more than 1000 NIS, and we will get about half back through my Maccabi insurance.

I hope so much it will help, as my sight is deteriorating rapidly.

One thing that was really horrible today:

Due to the huge increase in manpower (more than 150% in less than 2 years) CP is building a new building. And connecting it to the old one so that the end result will be one huge-ass structure. Well and good.

However. Right now they are connecting the old building to the new one. So they had to switch between the two wings of the building – my department was moved to the side adjacent to the new building, because we are the smaller department who takes less space. And the other one, OE, was moved to our old wing.

So, aside from the small annoying fact that they have lost all my personal things during the transit (It was packed into a box and drawered, with my name on it. Not found. ), right now we are sitting (and need to work) right in the heart of a construction area. And that means drilling, drilling, drilling, dust, dust, dust, and fucking Toxic gases that had made me literally ill today for a good three hours, until the air cleared up a bit. I don’t want to think about the long-termed health implications. Is there any use to it?

But I’m not very happy. Really felt like I’m choking today, slowly but surely, and it was seriously not fun.

Rather steady. I had my first Biofeedback season Wednesday - was extremely impressed. Those guys are far more professional than the therapist that treated me a few years ago. Most of my issues - IBS, Anxiety, PTSD, sleep issues, even vaginismus - are treatable by Biofeedback according to what they state. Everything but depression and Fibro. But at least they can help me deal better with the last.

When we started working, the therapist said that my base level is very good, but that until I will reach the state where I can do Biofeedback automatically, I will be depended on the feedback from the computer. So that’s my end-goal.

And today was nice – we went to Unamy to see L before she hits off for a year to China, for work. She was accompanied by baby sister Daria. We were very happy to see her. Daria is an adorable human-shaped kitten. Always fun.

And I managed easily to sell her the 100:)

However, she did something that just killed me – we needed some tip, OK? So what do you think the girl does? She shoves her hand down her breast and comes up with money….I nearly died laughing, than and there. That girl.

And tomorrow should be fun also - KY and planes! And good company and than makeup and probebly some time in that good cafe. I am so happy.

* I feel horrible. As pre-Concerta days. Dizzy, weak, trembling with fatigue, hardy able t think about my pain and fatigue. I assume it has to do with my going down to 18 on Concerta.

* Also, with perfect timing , the damn period have arrived and added it's share. (do you sense the eyeroll through the screen? my eyes almost popped right now.)

* still very much agitated about that DA issue. I desperately want it to end well and I'm desperately afraid it will not.

* Tomorrow is the lactose test. I'm on a 24 hours of strict diet - am not allowed anything but lean meat, eggs, fish, rise, and potatoes. Ah, and milk things, for all the good it will do for me. And starting today at 20:00, I'm on complete fast. That will not be broken before 12 PM tomorrow. That's full fucking 15 hours. Isn't it fun?

* I've got the laptop,however. It's crippled and without most of the thing I need, but at least I will be able to work on mails from home.

* darling

lucy_21 agreed to check my fic for spelling mistakes. Am so happy with that.

Today was rather horrible in terms of sheer physical pain. I don't know why the pain is so bad those last few days. But today was the worst day in a series of bad days.

So I've spent most of the day at Zombie mode. However, some things were achieved despite that: (and I think that it worth putting my Journal. Not easy to get things done when all you can think about the pain.)

* Went down to HR and talked with them again. I think that this time, there is a small chance that things are moving. I might even get that laptop in the end. Will see. However, I've left the office much more optimistic about this issue.

* Correct decide making process about tomorrow. I've decided that since today I am in a very bad state, and there is a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow morning (So I've rescheduled Psychiatrist to next week), and I intend to do six hours on Friday. So, I will cut off for home around 16:00 no matter how much work will call me.

Unfortunately, I can't think of more right now...However, just holding the day without breaking down or having a sever meltdown may be also considered as an achievement in a way? Damn level 8 pain. Those patches are not doing their work well enough, I think. I will need to try the higher dose, no doubt.

Well, I've actually found myself a nice comfort-series. Gilmor's girls.

(Kindly do not laugh at me. I'm aware of this shows lacking. But - it's comforting. It's filled with an eclectic mix of everyday folks and lovable lunatics. I love - adore is more close to it - the mother- named Lorelai. She has made her share of mistakes in life, but she had pulled herself all alone out of a deep,deep hole, and she had build herself up, and she is doing her best to see that her daughter - and best friend in the world - will have the very best life. The relationship between the two is beautiful. They fight often, the love and respect and friendship on both sides here is a joy to see.

Now, Lorelai's mother...a sly, manipulative bitch, who reminds me very much of my own mother.

So, this is fun, and it's relaxing me to watch this.

For the most part, today was hard since the morphine patch had worn out on me again. So,I was in considerable pain all day. Somewhere between a very high 7 to a low 8.

Also today - talked with my GP. She thinks the Blood Screens are not too bad,since according to her they are not so far above the norm. (norm upper range - 20. Mine - 26.3). She also suggested Colo.

However, on this one I did speak with my mother, since she is suffering from IBS for many years now - over 25 I think. (Irritable Bowl Syndrome). The symptoms she has are alike enough to mine to consider it possible that I have a bad case of IBS). She receded very highly that I will ask for a Occult blood before considering for a Colo. I see no harm in trying.

My aunt is in hospital right now - she made a series in tests, and tomorrow she needs to go through a rather horrible test. I don't even want to think about it.

Mantel state - some improvement, despite the high level of pain. But I was at least more able to work today and concentrate, and that helped since it distracted me from things.

Yesterday was much better than the day before. Crohn news none-withstanding. I was able to somehow balance the meds better - mostly by instinct.But some planning went into this, so I was actually proud of myself, can you believe that?

Today was really nice for the most part. Aside from the fact that Shear's car went dead on her midway to us, poor thing. She had to Taxi back and have the car dragged to the garage. Major Ouch.

The Asian cooking session was fun. I could not touch most of the things, which was frustrating; Turns out that my sensitivity of fat has grown much worse in the last half year. Things that were good a year ago made me sick now, about half an hour after trying them.

But - we have learned to make Spring Roll, and that's both ridiculously easy once you know the base rules. And not fat at all, and very light and tasty. And

antongarou learned some techniques that will be useful for some home cooking. So, it was good.

Than we went to see what Sharona Market is all about, and ran away after a bout 10 minutes. ( I really wanted some Sushi take away from Akiko). It was not the crowds that did that - it was the smells. The place stunk so bad I could not stand it. And also, we didn't find Akiko anyway, so off we went to Unami to grab the take away and went home.

The kitties were extra cute today - instead of fighting all over me they simply shared space - one on each side. And napping with them was really fun.

Right now we are about to have some dinner with Killjoys, so.

Oh. Also finished The 100. Dear god, those last two episodes were the most brilliant and heartbreaking piece of TV I've ever seen. The Third season can't come fast enough for me.

I've SMSed my doc about the conflict between the Ixel and Concerta, and asked permission to take my daily dose the evening. This time, his reply was swift: He asked me try try and make an earlier appointment. And indeed, I was able to find a time-loop about two weeks earlier than my original appointment.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to deal with the fatigue with the old means - coffee, lot's and lot's of salt and water, light food with yet another ton of salt. (had now that rice that Hagar recced me. It had became my favorite "I'm dead tired" food.)

Oh, regarding the salt issue - Gastro doc that the reason it's so low is due to the meds' that fuck up the NA balance in my body.

Will try to work a bit now.

Oh, god, that Lidocaine treatment was horribly difficult. I will elaborate more on that in the Med Filter. And our return trip home was far from nice as well - a combo of rain and a longggg wait for the bus (over half an hour). I'm really glad that

antongarou came with me for this first round.

I think though that if I take the rest of the evening easy, not do any house work and not watch anything more stressing than "The Game of Chefs", than by tomorrow I'll do much better.

Oh, Netflex has now the second season of The Hundred! I will be able to watch it again with actual Subtitles! (yes, it's incredibly important for me. I simply do not hear well enough, and so miss half the words if we watch without any subtitles.) I will try the first episode and according the my respond to it, will decide if it's safe to go on.

And another thing - this weekend, by hook or by crook, we will watch the third episode of Killjoys. I'm rather sick of us not feeling well enough for weeks on end to try this *grump*.

* I am trying to define better parameters for communication (for my friend’s safety and also my own). As part of the above, I decided to add another DW filter. It will be tagged as “health info sharing”. Posts on that filter will be locked to my Trust Lock Circle. There I will expatiated on things that will be mentioned only briefly, if at all, under the Unlocked tagged posts.

* Work is going slow today. Am falling asleep easier now - but wake up as tired as ever or more.

* Yesterday we went to OR's birthday, and it was lot's of fun, despite the fatuige. Shear was there, and we even had some time to talk alone. Also, that girl had managed to create a whole little garden in her First Floor porch. it's beyond awesome - there are birds there (in cages), many plants, a small little fish pond, two extremely comfy comfort chairs. And cats:)

we had two tiny little kitties (boy and girl, not siblings for all that they had the precise same tail and similar size and coloring), one adorable tiny dog who licked everyone and asked to be picked up, one huge, fat cat that looks like a Parisian carpet (think she is twice the weight of G). And a generous dark red Tom (saw only a brief red flicker of him before he ran out on us. The kittens sat on my lap the entire time, though).

* We had rearranged out apartment as par advice from OR (our Cat Consulate): One sand box is now in the Library Room (we had all the pics we are safe-keeping safety stored before opening the room for them, fear not). I've also placed a small rag on the floor so that they can sun-bath and keep their behinds warm:)

The other cat little is stored in the Kitchen Porch, with easy access for the cats.

Also, we have changed the location of the food - it's not on the floor anymore, but located at some hight, in order to make them "work for it" - jump up in order to reach it. However, we are not limiting them in food anymore. She told us that it's a good idea for dogs, but a very bad idea for cats.

I have a long list of homework from her at home, all written down so that I will not forget (with both parents ADHD'rs, writing down things is a neccessety as well as a coping mechanism). Also, I've opened several GDOC's for the two of us, with a daily lists of tasks and followups.

Hope dearly all the above will work. Back to work now, I have an appointment rather sooon.

Most of today was miserable, due to pain, illness and fatigue. I returned to work for a couple of hours but worked at a snail's faze, starting at the screen and blinking owlishly, and was really not able to do much. After an hour of this, my eyes were burning as if I've poured salt into them.

So. Cut off for home around noon. Before taking the bus, I stopped by at the naturopathic store to consult, regarding the Bronchitis. Perhaps there is some herb tea of something I do not know of that may help? Anyhow, after I told her all the symptoms as well as currents meds, (about the Fibro she knows for a long time now) she said that in her opinion my immune system is in negative numbers at best (all too true, I know that), and that my Adrenal gland are fucked up due to Fibro. (have no idea, really).

Her advice regarding the first is Black Sambucus in order to strengthen the immune system. She also advised taking B Vits and C. And to avoid any sugar, milk, eggs, bread, and well - most kind of foods- for at least a week, in order to avoid creating more Phlegm.

The last is not doable for me - can't survive like that. But I see no harm in Sambucus and B and C vit'. At the worst, I threw way some money.

By the time I got home I was dizzy and faint and not able to walk. Had to go out quite soon again though in order to by meds for G. (G is my boy - he is very allergenic, and now the poor boy needs to take steroids again. We really can share our meds, my cat and I. The harmony.

Dear god, that was a terrifying ride with a very, very bad taxi driver. He A: does not know how to drive - kept driving too fast, cutting routs, cursing other drivers, speaking quite dirty at us, informing us he wants to hit that policeman...and the damn taxi stuck like someone went to the bathroom there.

Anyhow. aside from the above I'm somewhat better. I had to take a taxi because my foot is really swollen and hurting again and I don't know from what this time. Might be last Friday, might be more than that. Don't know. I didn't want to risk things and decided to take taxi home.

Also discovered that Isostar is not that bad as a mild pain Reliever. Probably because of the Magnesium? It's easier to digested in liquid form perhaps. So I think I will drink two glass of Isostart every day, and see if it helps.

Regarding Killjoys - we saw the pilot on Friday. Impressions:

*I really liked the pilot episode. it was fast passed, without a dull moment.
* The cast is ridiculously adorable.
* I adore Dutch. She kicks ass, she is adorable, she is the one who is running to protect her partner, and the relationship betweeh them is a pleasure to watch. They feel like old friends from the start.
* Johnny - also adorable. And I think he is made of hard corners just like Dutch, only he covers them in soft wool.
*dialog is fast-paced, and I never felt we were being spoon-fed, which is great. Also, they knew to balance it with some well-placed info at the correct spot and time. Great balance here.
*Fantastic world building here. However, I still feel a bit lost here. Don't have a good map of the world yet. I'm always rather slow on this one, I'm afraid.

I'm also interested very much in the connection between the elderly figure who taught Dutch as a child and the Company, is there a link? Does he have a hold on her still? She looked startled when she saw the red box at the end of the episode.

Why was she let off so lightly? seemed weird.

Also. I really didn't like that guy from the Company in the end - the blond one? But I guess it's not the last time we will see him, alas.

Was also interesting to watch the points of difference and similarity between the brothers. (God, the two actors look so much like blood brothers)

First thing I say when the episode is over: "what, it's over already? No, I want more":)

So, it looks like I'm sold :)

I think I will start from today.

So, Family Event is over, it was not half as bad as could be. My mother grumbled a whole lot about the "horrible, neglected state of my apartment". (the woman had checked the (electric) switches ! And grumbled they are dirty. I've informed her, that I have far too many other things on my priority list, thanks.

antongarou, poor thing, was stuck at work and so arrived by taxi later. But I was so very glad he came, since his presence made the occasion much less irritating.

Oh, and travelling by car with my mom and dad can be both amusing and infuriating - he refuses to admit he has hearing problems. So he didn't here the instructions from Wazes to turn right. (Dude, it tried telling you no less than three times, and my mom also - she has you on that one.) She, upon his mistakes, shames and guilted him (her personal field of expertise. She shows remarkable talent on that one, at least...)
We ended up driving through Hulon in order to reach Jaffo...with the two of them bickering and yelling the whole way. Fun trip.

Anyway,I enjoyed the wedding mostly due to the lovely view of the sea, right in front of us. And I could go hang around with

antongarou instead of being stuck with my family.

Around five we folded by taxi back to Checkpoint, since he had to work, and it was also a good excuse for me to fold earlier than the rest of them.

I'm absolutely certain the the fact I've held the day so well - after being crippled by pain only yesterday - is due to the increase in the Concerta. My doc argued with me when I pointed out my assumption it will work out like that. Am so gonna tell him "told you so".

(It's not that the med treats the pain - it does not. Or that the pain is any less. I've dissociated the pain almost completely from my conscious. (it was only felt in glimpse, when some movement brought out all the pain to the surface sharply. But usually dissociation to such a degree is draining me out of all spoons. To the level that I can't lift my arms to take a cup of tea. This time - I could function. )

Today, when

antongarou will come home, we instead to watch the first episode of Killjoys:) Am so happy, I've being waiting for that for a long time. I hoped to finish the 100 first. But could not tolerate the last two episodes due to the situation. I'm far more PTSD'ed about this than I was aware of.

Yet another think I've dissociated from my self till now. Does the fact that right now the hurt is felt keenly count as an improvement?

Due to a speculate series of mishaps, I've ended up with Allergy and extreme fatigue ( "Can't-lift-arms-"states). Also, I brought spoiled food to work, and used the wrong filter in an earlier post.

I have a strong assumption that today's series of mishaps is linked to my being emotionally shattered yesterday. I was intensely triggered by the events yesterday, as well as the horrible incidents on Monday with the 13 years old boy. (that one made me unable to watch the last two episodes The 100. I can't, I just can't deal right now with watching teens fighting a brutal war. I can't. I'm sorry.It's just too near to our current reality. I can't separate reality from fiction in this state. I see Liz and)

So, anyhow I've folded up for home early to rest. Was not able to sleep, but a nice cuddle with Sam between my feet (her favourite position) and G cuddled nearby was also nice. (I've also had a short cuddle with my head on his body. This is something I love to do,since he is always purring mightily, and I can feel it through his whole body. This is so much fun.

And here we have stabbing attacked again *sigh*. And I was hoping for a quite day. At least this time only one person was slightly injured.

Still can't move much - tried to do light house work and was forced to sit down after 10 minutes.

I will now try to get up and do a bit more work.

I'm back at work, but I need some break (as I suspected, there are some 300 mails for me to go through. Am sorting them by Subject, hopefully it will create the least stress on my ADHD brain.

So - now that Cron is being updated for some time, here is the summery, and it's not pretty:

Average Calories: 1285. I can live with that. I don't feel like this is malnutrition.

Average Fat ( that the sad news): a whopping 33%.

Average Carb: 53%

Average Protein: A miserable 14%.

So, I'm far, far too high on Fat, much, much to low on protein (small wonder with me not eating meat), and OK more or less on carbs. And I have no idea how to fix that. Will see what the dietitian will advice.

Most of the vits are OK - above 60%, aside from B5 and E and K.

Minerals are rather horrible. Am not OK on most of them (by that I mean far too low).

Oh, well. I need to look for ways to up the protein on expend of the fat, and that's so hard.

Well, I'm better now. Sat and worked through my fears and I have a much better idea how to handle things tomorrow. I think things will be OK, after all.

Food-wise, my appetite today was better - since I was an Idiot and forgot to renew my Depalt med, and as a result, skipped a day. However, I'm still on less than 1000 K, and than means getting in somehow at least 300K. If nothing else, Vitminchik should close that hole, but I would rather not rely on that.

Things at work remand hectic - and it's growing worse - however, I've informed my boss that due to prior commitments, I'm going home around 14. That will give me the time needed to rest and organize stuff on a relaxed basis.

And I've sold the 100 to HA today:) We saw the first episode together, and that was nice.

I'm not all right yet,but I'm better. A shower and hairwash helped loads - now my hair feel nice and smell good, and it's soothing. Still with fatigue, burning eyes and a rash, though. It's good I skipped the training, as I really don't think I have the physical resources for it today.

antongarou is not doing much better than I - both of us are drowning in work. The holiday season is a killer in that sense, since we keep chasing backlog and it's never-ending. It will take us until the end of October to clean up this mess, at this state. We are just running from crises to crises. (How Ra said it today? "Our priority is to take care of the largest crises now, and that's POC. When the RMA will reach that stage, we will move to that..."

earlier, I managed to reach my aunt at last (after calling her husband. I'm not dignifying him with the label of Uncle after what he did). She sounded tired to death, but lucid. But I could sense the effort, and didn't hold the line more than a few minutes.

Food - still a mess. I'm back to taking 15 pills a day for supplements, as I sure don't get it from my diet.

I think I need to go play with the drawing book for a bit.

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