Day post

Nov. 13th, 2015 02:25 pm
ernads: Fenic (Default)
Dear gods, [personal profile] antongarou without Concerta is actually Not Safe. He has little to no control about his intuitions and so he sounds aggressive and biting. I need to repeat things three times in a row and it will not help. And so on.

We have agreed that on the Friday of his birthday party, he will take the Concerta. Much safer for everyone.

Yesterday both of us went to the monthly meeting with the Psychiatrist. I made thorough and comprehensive homework and arrived well prepared. Which was really very helpful. (It's a funny thing - I'm probably one of his most complex medical cases; but he never needs more than 15 minutes for our consultations. That's about half his usual time from what I've observed in the long waiting. I think it's because I'm coming so well prepared and informed, and as a role I'm a very initiative patient.)

So conclusions - I'm allowed to state with Concerta on the higher, 27 dose; I'm to keep the current Ixel dose, and I'm allowed to add a new med to the Salad - called TRAZODIL. (from what I've read it should not cause to many problems. It's supposed to help with the sleep issues and PTSD).

Now I'm in work trying to get something done. Slow going - my mind is too active.

day post

Oct. 28th, 2015 01:44 pm
ernads: Fenic (Default)
* Rain has flooded CS and RA again. Frighting pictures. I hope that this time the 15,000 households that are cut off electricity will be reconnected sooner than the last round.

* I'm feeling horrible. The cymbalta withdrawal is hell. And tomorrow I'm down to 30. And due to start the new med in the evening.

* why, yes, am terrified.

day post

Sep. 2nd, 2015 03:43 pm
ernads: Fenic (Default)
Joy and happiness: Both [personal profile] antongarou and I are home sick right now.

In his case, it's some kind of a cold virus; Headache, red throat, weakness. In my part - I thought it was just a horrible period when I started feeling bad today. But nothing made the nausea go away. (I tried saline, plain water, peppermint tea, water with lemons slices inside. No good. )

Also problems with stomach. Beside the pain. And some pain in the throat as well.

So, I looked sadly at my mountain of work, and,par my red lines, packed myself home. (am being extremely careful with those red lines, since I've became aware that the reason I broke them so often was actually self-harm, and harmful to other people as well)nk

And I am thinking to stay home and not go to J-M tomorrow as planned. It's just too scary to think myself stuck there with nowhere to go to if I feel really bad. And even if it's not a virus, the period is wreaking havoc on me. (for some reason it's worse under Concerta).

in better news - the 100 continues to be fascinating and a good watch, and I'm so glad I decided that I'm well enough now to judge for myself. Also,it's entirely possible that my ability to handle triggers had increase, thanks to the Concerta regulating some things in my brain.

*Oh god dear stomach, kindly stop, it's so very painful*.

I think I will take a hot pillow now and huddle in bed
ernads: an empty room (an empty room)
S. My mom went today along with my aunt, to consult with a neurologist. Because for weeks she is forgetting things and hearing voices and things.

They had convinced her to go through a diagnose, and it's confirmed - she has Alzheimer's disease. Her (and my mom's) worst fear.

And for once, I can't blame her for overreacting.
ernads: Fenic (Default)
* Started the day with a blood scan, and, for a change, didn't end with a huge bruise on my arm. Nice change.

* Results are less than good, however - I have done HbA1C test, and the results are above the norm, which means I'm in the Pre-Diabetes stage.

* Work day was good, however. I even managed to keep my calm during the horrible weekly team teaming. (that took some doing - I wanted to kill that woman. However, I kept my mouth shut and didn't say a word. It would have only screwed me up to talk back. Also, why waste energy?)

* Last two days I'm able to do 8 hours a day - for the first time in several months.

* I just love Sam's vocalisations. She is such as funny little cat - she hardly mews - she squeaks.

* Realized a short time ago why I fell back into a loop today - the hopeless part in me got a bit too strong and I had a hard time talking it back down. I'm better now, however.
ernads: Fenic (Default)
Oh god, I took a bath for the first time since...the wedding I think. My body hurts all over, and [personal profile] antongarou had had enough of my moaning and bitching about it - and at him. So he sort of ordered me in.

I could not sit still for more than ten minutes,but oh god, is that what it feels to have a back again? (instead of concrete cement). Nothing had ever eased my pains to such a degree. Even if it's short-termed, the relief is blessed.

Anyhow. Yesterday was quite, we rested and cleaned and nothing much more. I'm still not up to do any physical activity on account of the wound in my leg, but I'm better today, so I hope tomorrow to go back to normal activity.

Yesterday we have a bad scare with G. Poor cat has a bad ear infection, so, lucky us have to give him his med, in his ear, twice a day. Since he is not fond of it - to say it mildly - it has become somewhat of a world-war by now. With [personal profile] antongarou grabbing him, me trying to grab his head and apply the med, and G fighting for all his worth. And with him being slippery as a fish, it's...interesting.

So. We were looking for shortcuts. Yesterday we tried putting it in his ear while he was asleep, in just the right position. But we missed, it splashed his leg and he licked it clean and ran away.

A few minutes later I hear weird sounds from the living room. I Go over and check, and see my cat wiping at his mouth franticly, with foam all over him and more still coming out of his mouth. Both of us panicked.

My first instinct was to ask advice from Hagar. I didn't think that there may be a 24 hours emerg services for pets. I was so in panic that I even didn't see she is off line until a while later.

Than [personal profile] antongarou told me to google for the vet we took him to, and she did indeed has a 24 hours emerg service. They calmed us down, told us the med is only horribly bitter but not poisonous to him,so his reaction is just an attempt to get rid of it.

After that we changed his water, he drank half of it, and calmed down. But god, it was terrifying.

Meds and animals=joy.
ernads: angry fennec (angry fennec)
I must say I find the nearly absalute silence (relatively) in the Open Space...creepy. Big time creepy. Am all alone in my row, and there is almost no one in sight. Don't like it. It's depressing.

And I am doing what I can about it - chatting by Pandion (it's like an internal IM program) with one of the few people her; listening to music in youtube; (which I am hooked to all day - we are meeting with DJ's this week and I want to come prepered with my favorite songs and style and so on.

So, I really don't know why this silence is getting me down this badly. Most of the day was really OK - I am doing a report for Meriav - it's one of my monthly projects. And listning to music and exchanging song names and artiests by mail with Hagar, which is really fun for me. But...

It's not derpession - it's actuall fear. And that's really strange.

Well, I have an hour more here and than am off to the Acupuncture treatment. Leg - knee, reather - is not better, so I will have to talke with him about it. Am not sure what's wrong there.

Oh and tomorrow we are finnaly going to that orthopedic surgeon- some one who is an expert in back and skeleton problems. I might also consult with him about the knee issue, right? Even if he is an expert in back issues. There might be a connection to the ongoing back problems.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
All right. Was fooling myself - it's dissociation now. I should have known that a level of fear this disturbing will turn into dissociation at some point. Only, I did not know how to deal with it, as I was already using my emerg tool - listing to music.

Damn, damn damn. Am not happy with this. And am much less happy with myself. I keep fucking this up
ernads: angry fennec (angry fennec)
I am quite unhappy about the rather evil combo of Nickel and Sugar diet. It really sucks, it's so limiting, and I really don't know that I can hold with both. Not both.

So far, I was able to find some creative replacements for some of my favorites; Canned Vine leaves, for example, those that are stuffed with rice - it's a favorite. And I can't eat now cause of the damn nickel thing. So, I bough the leaves in a jar, a glass jar, and we are making rice, and I will try to make this way my own stuffed vine leaves. And cheese - I am taking a 10% cheese and mixing it with a 0.5 cheese to make a more interesting mix.

But. .

Fish; Sushi; sea food; tomatoes; canned baby corn that I love so much; and a host of other things I am not supposed to eat, and it's freaking me out like Whoa.

I am already cutting corners, after a week only - already I ate tomatoes today, for example, and a few other things out of this list. (no canned things, though, or sea food or fish.) Those were miner deviations. But.

I will try to move to a stronger Antihistamines med and will see if it will help. And I will not use a shaving knife again even if it's not over by Wednesday - the wax can't make it any worse than the shaving knife that contains nickel in large amounts.

Just - this whole combo sucks like hell. Am really unhappy about this.
ernads: angry fennec (angry fennec)
Well, am less dead than yesterday that’s nice. Hope it will keep for a while.

It might have to do with the fact that I woke up only twice tonight instead of the usual 4-5 times, every other hour or so.

My arm is a bit red and swollen as a result of the Bone Scan injection, yesterday, and it’s painful but not limiting. I hoped to escape without any side effects, but they had developed over the night.

But –I have had my first Gym session in over a week – I avoided any physical activity on account of my back. Did only half an hour, but it’s enough to regressed the situation quite a bit. Even with all the stretching I did after. And the hot shower. Annoying.

Also, took my weight – and was dismayed to see I lost only 100 G or so since last week. It’s far too slow. And I do not know if it will improve, since my neurologist wants me to raise the med level, and that med has a side effect of interfering with the metabolism and encouraging weight gain.

So, it’s a lovely choice again – do I obey him and raise the level, and then risk the weight issue? Or do I stay as I am, and risk the epilepsy episodes? What’s more risky in the long run and how the hell am I to choose?

I am to repeat the test in a month, also. Damn.
ernads: undone (undone)
So, now the question is – is there any use of taking Meirav to a personal talk, and explaining to her just how many days and hours I have worked here, despite pain that would have sent others home or even to a hospital? I don’t think she is aware. Of how many times I have gritted my teeth, and hang on by the fingernails to complete my shift, despite crippling pain, fatigue , epilepsy attacks , depression, and whatsoever.

I don’t know if it will do more harm than good. But this present situation is actually hurtful to me, cause I genially liked her, I thought she approved of me, and feel…bad when she is acting so petti and using guilt-games with me.
ernads: a fennic kit - my spirit (That's me:))
I’m actually in a good mood, right now. )
There are several nice things in a morning shift, I must admit – walking to work was delightful – it was still dark, the air was crisp and nice and cool, and very fresh. I felt strongly awake despite the fact that I did not sleep more than 5 hours (after I took three sleeping pills. But I did fall asleep eventually).

There is lot’s of work, but my ability to concentrate is much higher than norm. I find it all very weird. Maybe me body is trying to tell me I should go to sleep early and wake up early. But until I achieve that without taking three sleeping pills – and Rescue – I will not ask for those shifts as a norm. For all that it’s fun to finish at 18 rather than 20.

Oh, and I can now drink black coffee (mud coffee. Strong, two spoons) without any sweetener whatsoever, and even like it. That’s great, as it’s much more effective in keeping me awake.

Will have lot’s of work to do on my willpower today, with all the pasta-in-cream, chocolate, bamba’s, and so on floating around and being shoved at my face every hour. I swear – 6 am in the morning, I can’t even think of food at this hour, and someone comes along with a big box of chocolate and tries to hand me several pieces… Isrealie’s, long hours and food=feeding farm.

other health-wise issues )
ernads: Fenic (Default)
Am at work right now. Had a visit to the lung doctor. Was impressed by the fact that he actually took the time to talk with me, question me, and explain things. ( The Haifa doctor treated me as if I am a five years old at best. She was nice, but did not listen, and directed her answers to my father, rather than me. It was patronizing and condescending and I did not like it.)

The short line - he thinks it is probably asthma but is not yet sure, so I am to to another test ( בדיקת תגר סימפונות

Meanwhile, he recommended that I use the Symbicrot inhalator daily. [profile] antongaru objects to this, since this inhalator contains steroids. I say, wait for the test results and than see. But if there will be a deterioration I will start using it in the hope of preventing another massive attack.

And it's 4 minuets to minutes to the siren. Time to go.
ernads: Fenic (Default)
Went to sleep yesterday around 4:00 am, and as a result I am rather groggy all day. Despite the fact that I had a nap just now. Simply can't convince my body to up already. Which is a pity as I have a shift in 2 hours. [profile] antongaru claims that I am messing up with my biological body time, with this going to sleep at 4. Maybe. It's just that I started to read a new book, and getting me to stop reading a book is quite impossible.

A&B and [profile] mrlightning where here for dinner last night, and much fun was had. [profile] angeleyes1701 was suppose to come also, but apparently she is a worse Kite than me, because she had forgotten she has other appointments and chose to stay at home. Not for the first time. I think it is an excuse - she just does not like to go out. So we had schemed with [profile] mrlightning that the next time, in a few weeks, we will come over to their place.

Oh, and [profile] mrlightning has taken some marvelous picture at a "Tel-Aviv Body Painting Festival 2012". I will put up the link and pictures tomorrow when I have more time to play with it. Also, there are some pictures there that beg to be made into icons. I wonder, is PowerPoint good enough for that? I will try to play with that, also if anyone wants to help they are more than welcome. Very good material, those pictures.

All right, time for my espresso, than I need to start getting ready for work.

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ernads: Fenic (Default)
ernads

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