ernads: (rain)
Quite tired.

I had an appointment in Asuta, at the pain clinic,at 8:20. Was not very happy with that, but I prepared my cloths yesterday, and placed the meds in my bag, and ordered a taxi for 7:50.

And this morning I wake up from a nightmare all dizzy and absent-minded. I grab wildly for my phone to check the time - and it's 8:10. Great.

Luckily enough, my taxi driver was late as well, and he was willing to wait for 5 minutes - told him to start the timer so that he will not loose money on me. Not his fault after all. I blessed my gods that everything was ready, got dressed in 5 minutes, washed my teeth, and out I go.

Without a fucking coat or umbrella for the upcoming rain. Or gloves, or scarf. or a breakfast. Even didn't have time to tie my shoes properly. The sight I made...

The driver was really adorable. And that was a good thing, as we had spent a good 50 minutes together...

However, they didn't even comment on it when I arrived on the clinic and apologized - told me that because of the mess people are late today anyhow. No biggy.

The good pain doc told me to double the morphine amount, and we will see what happens from there. f

Than I recalled I didn't take my meds yet, and it was after 10 am. Also, there was nothing to eat. However I knew it will take me an hour to get to work, so I took all the meds on an empty stomach, preferring that to not taking them at all.

Of stories news - we had worked yesterday on out first Killjoy fic, and I'm happy with it. It's ready to be submitted for either a treat or a pinch hit, (that one will depend if the story will fit any of the requests the pinch hitter will need to answer to. However, since I wrote that story in 24 hours, I think I will be able to handle even a fresh story in a short time. I know now I can do it.

Also, outside - nice, nice weather - strong winds that nearly pushed me off my feet. And rain is starting. And snow in the north of the country. I hear that everything over 900 m' will get some snow.

I will fucking not come anywhere near facebook in the next week at least.
ernads: angry fennec (angry fennec)
I must say I find the nearly absalute silence (relatively) in the Open Space...creepy. Big time creepy. Am all alone in my row, and there is almost no one in sight. Don't like it. It's depressing.

And I am doing what I can about it - chatting by Pandion (it's like an internal IM program) with one of the few people her; listening to music in youtube; (which I am hooked to all day - we are meeting with DJ's this week and I want to come prepered with my favorite songs and style and so on.

So, I really don't know why this silence is getting me down this badly. Most of the day was really OK - I am doing a report for Meriav - it's one of my monthly projects. And listning to music and exchanging song names and artiests by mail with Hagar, which is really fun for me. But...

It's not derpession - it's actuall fear. And that's really strange.

Well, I have an hour more here and than am off to the Acupuncture treatment. Leg - knee, reather - is not better, so I will have to talke with him about it. Am not sure what's wrong there.

Oh and tomorrow we are finnaly going to that orthopedic surgeon- some one who is an expert in back and skeleton problems. I might also consult with him about the knee issue, right? Even if he is an expert in back issues. There might be a connection to the ongoing back problems.
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All right. Was fooling myself - it's dissociation now. I should have known that a level of fear this disturbing will turn into dissociation at some point. Only, I did not know how to deal with it, as I was already using my emerg tool - listing to music.

Damn, damn damn. Am not happy with this. And am much less happy with myself. I keep fucking this up
ernads: an empty room (an empty room)
I am sitting in the bus; glued to Galgalatzh; listening to Arik songs, in loops. And crying.

Because it's Liz murdered in the School Bus bombing; its Rabin murdered in 1995. It's a childhood of growing up in the shadows if violence; being comfoted by those songs. It's so much of my childhood and young womanhood; and now he is dead. And there's no other like him.

And it's like part of my childhood died.

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ernads

January 2017

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