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most of the day was not that bad, however after work I went to by shoes – something that will be both prettier than my regular work shoes, and yet still as comfortable as possible. For shoes that do not hold my insoles. Those kind of shoes can be found only in one shop – Blue Heart. They have a large variety of orthopedic shoes. However, even there, shoes-shopping is an agonizing process for me.

I found a likable pair after a long, long search, (and with antongarou’s help, bless him for coming specially to help me). Than we went to buy books for the kids and a few other things. All in all, it took about two hours, and I was dizzy and too painful to walk at the end of it. Not much improvement since. Still can’t get up or walk without limping. Can’t work today, or even read much. ( right now I’m absorbed up too my ears in “Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength – Will Power. By Roy F. Baumesiter & John Tierney. It’s an absolutely fascinating, absorbing book. However, despite the fact the book is very readable, it’s not a light book. And since I want to absorve and understand everything I read, I chose to go lightly and slowly with it, and read only two or three chapters a day. And on days like today – not a one, alas.

I think that after I will finish this book I will want to delve deeper into this subject in other books. I think I will take a pip at Amazon later.

Now However I think I should not try to attempt any work. If I want to be safe for work tomorrow, best close laptop and hop into bed. Preferably with a cat or two.

Not bad, all in all, although I'm not feeling to well - upset stomach and nausea. Even an hour after returning home. (the buses are really doing a number on me.)

I've thought today that a patch on the left eye will help me force the right eye to work while reading. The problem was only figuring out where to get the damn thing. We really had no idea at first, and my optometrist was out today or else the store was closed, because there was no answer there as well. So' I've ended up going to SuperPharm and asking them, and they did, actually, had just the thing. It's not comfortable, and it's pressing too hard on the glasses,but it works.

I’m conflicted about going to work with it, though, knowing very well that going with this thing will be both: physically uncomfortable and might result in pressure wounds around my eyes; might be awkward, very much, since it looks so ridicules. However, it will also assist very much with the eye sight problem, so. Don’t know yet.

However, a second day in a row in a rather crowded shopping mall took much spoons from me. (I'm not comfortable in closed, crowed places, to say the least. It's an overload on all my senses; eyes, touch, emotional empathy. Which is extremely strong in me).

So we plan to spent the evening lazing about and recouping, despite the fact that there is work to be had. The story for PurimGifts is done, at the worst if I will have no spoons for the other two bunnies running in my head right now, we will offer that one only as a treat/pinch hit (if I'll be called on of course)

So, I managed to pull myself out of the depressive loop after about two hours.

antongarou helped here by helping me see that despite the fact that despite the fact that my social anxiety often cripples me, there are some good things in me, as well. So, yes, I do not have the kind of swift-edged shinny intelligence and sharp wit that allows one to shine in a party, move the conversation along, provide answers easily. I’m shy. I’m awkward. I find it hard to open my mouth and participate in a conversation, even if it’s with people I know well and trust. I often feel pushed aside, rejected, unneeded. A burden that has nothing to give anyone.

But.I have self-insight into- and the courage to face those issues. And I work very hard on changing and breaking bad patterns and developing better ones, and maintain the borders and parameters. And I’m willing to face some demons. (by participating in the PTSD workout). And my self-awareness is extremely high. And I’m also a very loyal and caring person, for all that it’s worth.
So, maybe not a total waste of space and oxygen. But…

Anyhow. After I recovered I was able to work rather well, and around six decided that since my pants are all too big on me now, it’s time to go shopping. Decided to go to Golf since we still have a good card with some money in it, so why not?

antongarou came with me. The guy is awesome in this, by the way –he has a deep understanding of what works on who and why. Really. He could have made loads in styling and helping people choose cloths and all that. Anyhow, the result was 4 pants, 2 casual, 2 more stylish, (and one of them is size 40 that’s a first in over two years.

Than we went to near-by Honigman and he picked my sis two fabulous shirts in less than 5 minutes. The girls that tired to help him were rathe r stunned. They are not used to guys like this.
So, now I have 4 well fitting pants, and I’m glad for it. Something new to wear for the birthday party this Saturday. (My sis and niece – baby girl is one year old.)

* Icon a good indication of status.

* Bus drivers a a menace to public health: Aside from the fact that I'm nearly throwing up from nausea (sea sickness, made worse because of how jumpy is the ride in most buses), they love to stop suddenly and with violence – each time I’m almost thrown half way across the bus or else having my arm nearly twisted. Not fun.

*Sleep doctor today – adorable woman. Who, upon hearing all the issues and symptoms, diagnosed my sleep issues as the kind she can’t help. Because I can actually fall asleep most of the nights – the problems is that I have a very shallow sleep, with vivid, lucid nightmares, and that I wake up every two hours. And that I have hyper-sensitive issues to full bladder, dry skin, noises and so on. (she recced me to consult an urologist

* However. She did rec me something that might very well work on several issues (if not necessarily on the sleep issue ): There is a Workshop on Mindfulness in Shiva hospital. In this Workshop there are therapist who teach and provide tools that should assist dealing with stress better. Among other things, they aim to teach us to learn how to reduce Autopilot Mod: That is, to avoid as much as possible thee pattern of Automatic thought-reaction mode. That will do me loads of good. It’s 1000 NIS, 8 weeks. The big minus – I will need to leave work every week on 14 to get there on time.

*Rest of the day went slow. The Morphine patchs begin to cause me problems – constipation…so I had to take the extra 5 MG, and now I wil actually try to eat things not allowed n the Crohn diet in order to resolve this one.

Joy and happiness: Both

antongarou and I are home sick right now.

In his case, it's some kind of a cold virus; Headache, red throat, weakness. In my part - I thought it was just a horrible period when I started feeling bad today. But nothing made the nausea go away. (I tried saline, plain water, peppermint tea, water with lemons slices inside. No good. )

Also problems with stomach. Beside the pain. And some pain in the throat as well.

So, I looked sadly at my mountain of work, and,par my red lines, packed myself home. (am being extremely careful with those red lines, since I've became aware that the reason I broke them so often was actually self-harm, and harmful to other people as well)nk

And I am thinking to stay home and not go to J-M tomorrow as planned. It's just too scary to think myself stuck there with nowhere to go to if I feel really bad. And even if it's not a virus, the period is wreaking havoc on me. (for some reason it's worse under Concerta).

in better news - the 100 continues to be fascinating and a good watch, and I'm so glad I decided that I'm well enough now to judge for myself. Also,it's entirely possible that my ability to handle triggers had increase, thanks to the Concerta regulating some things in my brain.

*Oh god dear stomach, kindly stop, it's so very painful*.

I think I will take a hot pillow now and huddle in bed

Let's start with the good, shall we?

I went to my neurologist today, and showed him the MRI scan. The results are, indeed, perfectly normal.

Also, since there is no increase in the epilepcy since I've started Concerta, I'm allowed to take it every work day - 5 days a week. He reced t0 avoid in the weekend, unless there is something that will cause me stress or extra mental effort. (i.e - family meetings, social gathering, and so on.)

Also, I was able to function at work today despite sever strain (as a result of the latest family crises). That was not something that was doable two months ago.

The less fun part of the day - for some reason my period opped to come a week early (got it yesterday). I'm in sever pain. Copping with careful physical work right now, that will be followed by a shower. And than we will watch Master Chef.

Oh, one other thing: Sine my emotional satima has increased, I've decide (after reading the books) to try stamina had increased signifisntly, I've tried watching the 100. Watched episodes 1-4 in a row, and I'm hooked. Too pieces.

The show has it's problems. The race issue, for example had me inching. And yes, quite a bit of violence. (The Charlotte scene....I saw it coming from the start of the episode, and still needed recouping time after). And some holes in the writing. OK? And the ethical situation both on Arc and Earth is difficult.

But, but, but. There is a solid arc, fascinating characters, an interesting world, holes or not, and I'm in love with Clarke, and oh, god, Octavia. Am fond of Jasper, and I think that Bellamy will grow up. And god, Abby, love her to.

And there is honesty here, people facing up horrible situations without running from the ethical messs and problems, without sugar-coating, and i'm awed.

AM told it gets better.

I mean to spoil myself in order to prepare for triggers (there were parts I fast-forward - the graphic ones of Clarke treating Jasper, and, well, forced to make a horrible decision to mercy-kill someone else.

So. I will continue to be very careful, and I promised

antongarou that as part of the Safe Red lines rule I will pull back if it becomes too much. (and by now I can trust myself to honour that. he does, as well).

But so far as trigger-reaction goes - so far, so good.

Would you believe that I've had an evening with my mom (and niece) and that, the morning after, I'm doing great? I can hardly believe it. I'm alert, cheerful, working well, and in quite a good mood and energetic mood. And no, it's not the med. (Woke up this way, that's why I'm certain).

Last several days were good. On Non-Concerta days I've had more difficulty, of course, but I've managed to hold well by using the breathing exercises that

antongarou taught me. That makes me wonder if perhaps my brain was oxygen-starved all those months - not enough to be diagnosed in medical tests - just enough to influence my cognitive abilities. Add to that ADHD, Fibro, and the rest of the mess...

Anyway, as a result of the improvement in my health, I'm also making rapid progress in the workout on breaking out of bad patterns. Even now after a rather short time, there is a marked improvement. So, I'm feeling much more hopeful those days.

* Oh, boy, it's even worse than the previous wave, if I recall correctly? That's bad. Very bad.

* I'm dealing better, though. Probably since the Conentra is assisting by upping my BP, as well as in managing myself better. I'm drinking much more since I've started, for one - between 1.5 and 2 Litter per day.

* Also, workr day went very well, and I was able to reach my target for the first time.

* Another major accomplishment - I'm working now on breaking bad thought patterns and obsessive thought loops. Well, today was great. Had only one or two baby loops, and was able to cut them a few minutes after they started. Thats? one of the most important thing i wish to accomplish as part of my rehab, so I'm very happy. I also understand how I did it today and will work tomorrow on the same basis.

*Babies do not like the heat at all, but we are leaving them plenty of water so they are fine. Right now I bought them new ball, and they are running around happily playing. Watching them kick the ball between them is amusing - they are actually coordinating movements. Am not sure about it, but I think it's not usual in cats. As far as I know.

hey, this used to be my default icon and I didn't use it for ages. I've forgotten how much I loved it :)

Anyhow. Today really was better than expected. I'm even proud of myself;

I've had a horrible time falling asleep last night - was stressed and agitated and unable to snap out of it. Around 2:30 I've hunch that if I'll managed to factorize and decompose this, it might help me enough to snap out of it and fall asleep. So, I composed a post in my most private lock, in which I describe the worst-case scenario that scares me, and why it might not come to pass. (that was something I saw once in Tumblre as a cooping exercise.

Also, I've decided in advance that today will be a half-day at work, since no amount of Concerta will cover for sever lack of sleep, and I will be - irresponsible and selfish to force myself.

It worked very well, I fell asleep within 10 minutes of completing the post, and I was even able to function during the half day. I've explained to the guys that sorry, today I will be going home at 14 since I've had a bad night, and I am not willing to reach collapsing stage again. Made arrangements with N to switch shifts so that tomorrow I will handle the Inbox instead of today instead of him (otherwise it would have been not fair to him) and indeed went home around 14.

So, now after about 90 minutes nap, I'm alert and functioning instead of miserable. Also - I've kept my word to be more aware of safety borders and respected my red lines. That's marked improvement over last month. The Concerta (or sessions with Gita, or self-work, or all three) are finally starting to bear fruit and results over my cognitive abilitis, and I feel a whole lot less hopeless and helpless.

Oh, and another thing - looks like Depalept makes my skin that much more sensitive to the sun. It has a an almost allergic effect. Which might very well explains why a short exposure results with me with rashes on the neck and arms. I need to find a much stronger protection that the one I'm using now.

I'm too tired to post much. Four days at home, and I'm still not out of the deep, deep pit of exhaustion the Urticaria attacks had thrown me into. I'm having difficulty walking around the house, it's that bad.

At least the rash is gone, for the most part? I have now a great big list of "do not's" and I'm avoiding every single item in it. I'm using baby hyper-allergenic soap and body cream, and still take Telfast and zinc. So I hope to be able to be off the Telfast in the next few days.

Weather is yuks, and another reason to stay at home,loath as I am to admit it. The dust in the air will not help my breathing issues any.

Just tire, tired, tired.

Let's have a pic or two:

This baby is adorable, so much:

An adorable kitten

He thinks he is a small enough for a Lap:)

another of those adorable big laptop dogs. I can so see Pinuki in a few month on Hagar's lap like that:

And our G:

G napping and looking adorable

A most annoying day. I was forced to call a sick day at noon today and go home, because my Zombie state did not show any signs of improvement, and I was having trouble to concentrate and even walk properly. This means I will not be able to reach my target goal this week. Damn and be damned.

Patience,apparently, is not my best quality? No, really? You can't mean that.

And worry not, I do not blame the ADHD for that, or any of my other disorders/issues. I imagine I would have been an patient little brat even as a kid without other problems. Those just make it worse, is all.

So. Things to remember:

1: Even if I feel stuck and rooted in place now, and it's frustrating (and scary, lets admit it) as hell), I'm not helpless. I have some control.

2: The key is to start small and build from there. A big problem here is that I am caught in a loop of negative thoughts, and those color my thinking, right? So, for start, I need to have more realistic expectations. The situation now is much better than it was three weeks ago. But. That does not mean I'm well, or healed. It means I manage my issues better. What I should inspire to is not to recover - it will not happen - But to reach a balanced, stable, functioning state

When you think of that, that's just what Natty told me she had achieved. She has Fibro as well. She told me she is now balanced and functioning, and that's all that matters, because she had accepted the fact she will never be healthy, as this is a chronic illness.

All right, than for tomorrow, I will attempt to hold out a day from 10:30-17. If I do more hours and work, well and good. If not, that I will (attempt at least) to not eat myself over it.

Now, good things:

1: sleeping with my kitten snuggling against me under the blanket! (Sam crawled in and just tucked herself against me and went to sleep. That was so much fun).

2: I am feeling better now, so my decision to go home early was a wise course of action and not a waste of valuable work time. It probably saved the rest of the week.

3: Sh is our of surgery and in good condition. I was worried.

And here are a few pics, adorable things from my tumbler:

Sam and G. On a single Tree. Ceasefire.

Sam and G

And lookie, this little ferret hugging his mommy is so adorable.

Ferret Hugs

And last for dessert - little raccoon:)

Baby Racoon