ernads: Fenic (Default)
Hi:) I'm looking for a Language Beta for several short stories. (they will all be under 1000 words, approximately.)

The Fandom is October Daye. Fandom knowledge, while a great bonus, is not required. I mostly need assistance with some ESL issues. thanks
ernads: Fenic (Default)
So. My plan crashed this morning. So far it seems like Total loss.

I've had problems with too much Down without my pushing Down since the start of the lesson. I thought it's because I've some problem, some rust. Because we didn't have a lesson last week. But in respective I think it was a mechanical error and I misjudged.

than during the second round the plane went into a spiral. I had no control over it. Roy took over - he had no control over it. It crashed into a tree. The wings tore free and remained stuck in the tree. The body was saved but it's a small use without the wings.

than the day became worth. We went over to Oded, for a pre-scheduled appointment to fix the smaller plane, the Bixler. He sat us down, and explained that his ex-boss and the boss of our current guide had a massive fallout. They are in No-Talking terms. And he accuse Yossi of lying to him and about him and for cheating him and so on.

the bottom line for us - he will not allow any benefits to come to Yossi from his work. Which means he will fix the Bixler for the arrange price (400) only if I stop working with Roy (and so with Yossi) altogether and go back to learn from him. Otherwise, he might fix the plan - at double or triple the price. You guys go choose.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I feel like he exploited my accident today in order to pressure me into this position. I feel abused.

It is horribly triggering to me. And yesterday evening with Lian was also triggery for other reasons. So all in all, I want to erase the last 24 hours.
ernads: Fenic (Default)
Most of my weeks was rather horrible.

But - I have a new domain for my Pet Info website:) IsraelPets.

This website was born of frustration, for the most part - I'm really sick and tired of the statue of street cats in Israel. Also, too many times I've seen people put up a post in FB in 12 am asking "I found a sick cat! What do I do now?! Were can I take it?" and so on.

So eventually I've find our that the info is there, it's just not organized. And that's why I've decided to create a website that will organize information people need in an acceptable and readable way.

Right now I have all I need about cats, but am lacking in information about dogs. But there is enough info already so I've decided to publish the website. will see.

need to collect info about basic training for dogs, what problems are most common, what meds are most conman and what are the likely side effects. And food, also. And how to introduce another dog or a cat into the house.

I hope it will be both useful for other people and serve to wean me away from facebook- the need to do something, to help, is extremely powerful, but I can't save all cats and dogs and the helplessness is very tiggery to me and damaging - and I know it.

But telling me simply to "just stay away" is not useful. The useful thing is containing it and channeling it in a constructive way.

If only I could do this with Lian... (I have a very bad meeting with her, but that will be a separate post. Am out of cope of dealing with the child.
ernads: Fenic (Default)
Dear author, this is my very first Purim Gift's round and I'm so exited to be here. I have quite a bit fandms I like: Killjoys, Frozen, Wicked, October Dye, everything Jewish and Tanak-based. Startrek TNG and Startrek Voyager.

There are several things I really like, that are common in all fandoms, and I thought it's best to mention them here: Relationships that are Family-like (preferably without any sexual attraction. Hurt/comfort, just comfort with no hurt; ladies kicking ass and taking names is always good;(one main reason I love October Dye so much, oh god. And Person of Interest. And Killjoys - you get the drift. ) Missing scenes is also great. Fix it-scenes is a huge bonus.

Fandoms that will make me most happy:

* All things Jewish - Lore, legendת Tanah-תנ"ך. *Killjoys.
*Person of Interest.
* Star Trek and Voyager *
Tarot - Oh dear, yes. 
*Everything Israeli IDF, RPF, music videos (The Voice: Israel). It's just so much fun, and the potential for something hilarious is enormous here.

'Ship-wise, I prefer Fem ships - but would much rather to keep it to T level. Any OT3/OT4 combos or poly situations, is excellent.

Things that may be a problem:

I read slash but am so very picky about it- scenes that are just smut are a major issue.I am much more for asexual relationships that are based on close and intimate relationship. There are several fandoms were I can't stand to read Slash in them - Frozen being the Number One. Please, just don't. All hurt, no comfort . Betrayal of trust. Sexual abuse. Child abuse. Abuse, in general. behavior. Things that make no sense in-universe and remain unexplained, high school/college AU's, (sorry am just bored with those). Bullying, unless it's presented as a very negative thing, is a definite trigger. Emotional manipulation, shaming, guilting, is a major trigger. Please try to avoid any of the above.

Otherwise - it's a long list, I know, but those are just pointers. I will probably love everything your write or podfic. Thank you so much!
ernads: A group of friends (organism)
I didn't write for ages. there are tons of stuff to update. But for now - only the bottom line: I'm listening to :"היי שקטה" now, it came up in my playlist. And for the first time since April 2012 I didn't cry .
ernads: Fenic (Default)
Someone in my Fibromilogia FB group had shared this article with me;

Now I need only to understand how to apply for this....
ernads: Lie low, a hungry dragon's hunting (dragon)
Three dead. In Sharona,one of the most busy places in the Country.

Three dead,4 severly injured, two locations at least.

And. Liberman in the office.

So. Yeah. The only question is the timing.
ernads: Star (star)
I think I’ve had a significant breakthrough today. I really don’t want to sound like I’m bragging, or, you know, over-dramatizing things, or trying to fish for positive feedback. But I think the conclusion may be useful enough for me want to share it also on Tumblr – I have more than a few followers who have Spoon problems, and PTSD and so on. Perhaps it may help them.

So, here is a much edited version:

I’ve been struggling for – many months to comprehend and accept the fact that I’m a “High Maintained” person. And that as a result, safe interaction with me depend more spoons than interaction with “Low Maintained” people.

My awareness of that triggered two issues – my fear of abatement, (for who would want to waste precious spoons on someone like me? Why not go to “places” where you will get more value for your spoons, or else spend less spoons?)

And the other trigger was even more painful: the fear that because I’m so demanding and all that, I’m a burden and causing harm to my loved ones. By the very fact that I need so much more positive reassurance and affection, and have so much difficulties to believe I’m worthy of affection. And – what’s worse – by my absolute failure to decrease my need for the above. That realization freaked the hell out of me. It’s so frustrating.

I’ve concluded this morning that the problem is I just don’t understand the difference between being a burden" and "High Maintenance”. I thought both effect my friends about the same, so, in essence, those are synonyms concepts.

But after about an hour of agonizing and thinking about it, I’ve had an insight and was able to give words to the difference between the two:

A high need for attention now is not bad in itself - as long as one respects the boundaries, of his or herself and of other people. As long as an effort is maintained to keep to the safety to the parameters and respect borders, it’s All Good.

And I managed to do it, I think. I do not think that I have caused harm, despite my being more High Maintenance than usual.

However: If a person is using manipulation (whether in a conscious or unconscious way, it matters not) – that’s a harmful act, and that’s when one becomes a Bordon.

So. To conclude: High Maintenance is a characterization of a situation or a person. It means that in order to deal with it or them safety, one need more spoons, and when one has a budget, it means less spoons are available. However, it does not mean I'm causing harm - since I'm acting in a responsible way and respecting my borders.

Which means, I'm not a burden after all.

And I think that this one deserves a little star. (I'm using this Icon for a star, since I always forget to use the real ones. This wil work very well as well
ernads: may I have one like this some day (RRC plans)
Today we had the first flight lesson. I don’t have the spoons to write about it now – however. I have lovely pics to share, and OD said he was impressed with my capabilities. Do you believe it? Cause I don’t.

here is Domino and me

Tomorrow we may have one or two more pics to share.

My teacher, do you believes he is actually happy with me? he said I have good abilities. Me. With the Fibo, ADHD, and chronic pain, and all the other shit. Me. with zero coordination abilities and bad hands. Oh, and eye problems. whoa.
ernads: Fenic (Default)
"sometimes you say or do bad things while you’re in an awful mental place. sometimes you say things that are rude or uncalled for or manipulative. and i’m not going to hold that against you. mental illness is hard, and no one is perfect. but once you’re through that episode, you need to take steps to make amends. you need to apologize.

“i couldn’t help it, i was having a bad episode” is a justification, not an apology.

“i’m so fucking sorry, i fucked up, i don’t deserve to live, i should stop talking to anyone ever, i should die” is a second breakdown and a guilt trip. it is not an apology.

when you apologize, the focus should be on the person you hurt. “i’m sorry. i did something that was hurtful to you. even if i was having a rough time, you didn’t deserve to hear that,” is a better apology. if it was a small thing, you can leave it at that.

if you caused significant distress to the other person, this is a good time to talk about how you can minimize damage in the future. and again, even if it is tempting to say you should self-isolate and/or die, that is not a helpful suggestion. it will result in the person you’re talking to trying to talk you out of doing that, which makes your guilt the focus of the conversation instead of their hurt.

you deserve friendship, and you deserve support. but a supportive friend is not an emotional punching bag, and mental illness does not absolve you of responsibility for your actions. what you say during a mental breakdown doesn’t define you. how you deal with the aftermath though, says a lot."

From: What not to do when you're in a bad episode
ernads: myself in KY (a waman on the beach)
I’ve my new Insoles

So, for most of the day I was a total Zombie. I thought I would be able to work some on the laptop…yeah, right. Can’t see well enough to work without a vicious headache, and I was hardly able to last half an hour before falling into bed and staying there.

Than I had to Taxi to meet Antongarou, cause I was not steady enough to walk.

The way there was slowwwwwww. Jams, jams, jams all over. Hell.
But. I put the new insoles in. Stand up. And start gargling.

Hagar will remember probably the smile that split my face in two after the first time AM helped me fly. Well. It was like that.

Instantly, there was less stress in my back, neck and shoulders. I could feel how my walk is more normal. How I’m standing better. Could not stop smiling and, ammm, moaning in relief. AV was worried….he thought I was in pain, until he realized that my ability to hide pleasure is nil, and I’m just purring with joy. And than he smiled a huge, happy smile.

He told me to wear them only an hour today, and two tomorrow – and not to go to work. Since it will requite ajusjment.

And, as I was warned later, the rebound after I returned to the old ones was immediate and intense. I can’t stand up right now – had to sit down in the elivatore. So, yeah, no work tomorrow. And also, there are some new and interesting muscles that hurt really bad in the lges now.

But I’m overjoyed. I think it will improve greatly the quality of my life. Because, intense, enduring pain is extremely exhausting.

And then we stopped at the Pancake House to eat, and had another reason to purr with delight.

Also, I have a Beta! (thanks, honey, so much). That’s makes me so happy. I will start as she suggested on snippets. Maybe something from the 100, as I still have intense love for Lexa. One can always ignore Canon.
ernads: may I have one like this some day (RRC plans)
God that was fun!

I had today my first RRC lesson. It was a combo of theory and some simulator work.

Let’s start by saying that those guys had prepared an in-depth and thorough course. Very. That’s so far from the approach of the guy from Tisan Krayot that I have no words.

I now know what are Aileron, Rudder, Stabilizing tail, Centre of Lift, Centre of Gravity, and a whole lot of other basic information.

I also know now that the right handle on the radio is used to move the tail up and down and to move the Ailerons left and right…not the tail. And that the right and left movements of the tail are done from the left handle.

And I know now how the plane behooved when it’s coming toward you vie going straight out away from you.

We worked on a very good simulator. At first I was horrible, but toward the end I begin to have (very) rudimentary control over the right and left movements. That’s all we worked about after theory lesson.

Than he tested me on the basis Concepts and asked me to demonstrate them on the modal plan, and I remembered everything. Looks like the info had settled well.

So in order to keep the sequence we made another appointment for tomorrow.

I’m really glad I’ve had the lesson today, because it was just the thing I needed to lift my spirts aft the PTSD workout. (I was functioning today. That does not equal happy or calm).

Also, the man has some marvelous planes as well – took a pic of course to share with the Whatsapp group. There was a plane there that is built like an eagle, and it’s beautiful. And another one that is operated with a camera – you connect some kind of device to it, and that allowed you to see from the point of view of the pilot itself. It’s the nearest thing to actual flight.

YO told me that OD teaching method is to let the plane reach high altitude, than shut down the engein and work on air alone. I think it’s marvelous.

So, yeah. I’m happy very much about my teachers. Very.

Also, YO was overjoyed by my enthusiasm and passion. He said that those are the kind of people he is looking for, because they are the ones who will make good flighers in the end.

One thing I need to remember – Simulator work is not different by far from actual workout. That is – I enter Hyper focus and stay there, throughout. That means – major energy drain. Am dead meat now. Will need to remember to bring a snack for tomorrow

Now. Shower, than dinner and a bit TV, than I am going to start on translating the song. (no, it's not for Jukebox. I'm not going to sigh up since I don't have the sufficient spoons to balance everything now and do it safety for all involved. But I thought that translation the song is a good starting step
ernads: Fenic (Default)
I almost can't believe it - but it took me about two hours, only, to settle down and begin to work.

I mean that only. It's not so easy to handle such a difficult and traumatic procedure such as exposure therapy without going into a meltdown for the rest of the day. And after a hard week, too. (The party was loads of fun - my own self hate issues notwithstanding. But the rest of the day was horrible. And the week was overloaded to such a degree I was forced to postpone Gita to this Tuesday. Been ages since I've done that).

So. I'm almost proud of myself, right now. Maybe I should add a star in that book for that.
ernads: Fenic (Default)
As expected, the accumulation of stress and fatigue from last week resulted in my being a Zombie throughout yesterday. We had adjusted our scheduled accordingly. The aim was to rest as much as possible. SO, the planned trip to Ikia is postponed until farther notice.

Right now I'm at work and functioning rather normally. I'm still very much on edge and stressed, and working on calming myself via Biofeedback techniques. I'm rather glad to be sited alone in the Safe Room right now - this is precisely the kind of space and environment I need to get myself under control.

I'm also avoiding from playing with Jukbox until coming home tonight, since if I start fretting over how to translate things and if I'm actually good enough to participate in this exchange, I will not work and it's a shame. I have the motivation and I have creativity drive. One has to through him - or herself into the water and start swimming if one wants to grow and learn. I've learned this on more than one occasion, on more than one thing.

(Yes, this is my attempt at a pep-talk directed toward soothing my panic attack, caused by thinking "I'm worthless as a writer, what was I thinking, that I can actually accomplish something here? You know you will try and try and fail and than default in the end, right?

So. I'm trying to convince my panicked Self - well, perhaps you will fail speculatively darling. You will not know until you try /)

So, here's for trying.
ernads: (toothless the dragon)
Oh, god, I've written a 900 words Treat now in about an hour, and had such marvelous fun! that was something I was really eager to write as a treat. So as soon as I saw the "treats are open" notification", I squeed and jumped on it.

Still need to work on Grammar,spelling and art, though. But it's a treat, it's for Friday or Saturday.

Also regarding Purim

We are both ready for Purim Party:)

Aside for the annoying fact that we will arrive after 21, due to my (very, very very ill Aunt and uncle) having a birthday party. 19 PM, at Ramat Hasharon. Even if we will get out of there at 20:30 as we intent, it’s still a fucking pain in the ass.

I plan to bring my costume alone and simply get dressed at lovechilde’s. she said she does not mind at all, and it will spare me precious time.

Oh well. As long as I will have two or three hours of fun with friends, I will be happy.

And we have Taiso next week, which is major Squee as well, cause so far all 5 of us plan to go, and it’s a Family Tradition I cherish.

Oh, and did I mentioned that [personal profile] antongarou is a major, major Polinia? No? Cause he is. *long suffering sigh*

All right, brain told me to stop playing around with the fic and go to bed. So here goes.

Damn, didn't take my night pills, from all the excitement.
ernads: beauty (Bird of paradise)
Did it! *jumps up and down for joy. I've actually did it, and it's not half bad, either, despite my massive lack of spoons. I really can do pinch hits. Or at least, several ficlets. I think this is the fourth, so all in all, it’s about one Pinch hit and a third?

So, yeah, after that I trust myself to enter next year. (yes. That’s why I didn’t enter so far. Didn’t think I have it in me to write and publish even 100 lines. And was afraid of fucking up, and than needing to default, and…)

But I think I will be all right, after all. What a surprising discovery about one’s self.

Hope the receiver will enjoy it, anyway, but I enjoyed the writing process and the challenge and the…chance to give something, I guess?


We decided to go to the Optometrist the the doctor recced us today ,as AV canceled on us on the last minute. (he had excellent reasons both times, but this is starting to get to me. If we can’t make and actually get to an appointment by the end of the week, I will have no choice but to go for a lesser, but at least more accessible Insoles expert. I really hope it will not come to that –Hagar says he is the best in the country and she knows him for a long while, and god knows I need someone who is among the best at least. But.

But that’s beside the point – we went to the Optometrist today. I was stressed as all hell, and waiting an hour didn’t help. But once we got in he was professional and efficient; He looked at the letter from the doctor, made a few measurements of his own. And then suggested we go for a temp solution - Prism stickers. It’s cheaper by far than full Prism lens. The propose here is to see if there is an improvement in my current fucked up situation. If there is some, than we will upgrade this.

He will also add Polarized lanes to my glass, and those also will be clips. All in all it should not be more than 1000 NIS, and we will get about half back through my Maccabi insurance.

I hope so much it will help, as my sight is deteriorating rapidly.
ernads: may I have one like this some day (RRC plans)
We’ve started our day in a trip to KY, in order to collect something from Hagar. Had a few fun minutes with Pinuki as well. (boy, he's twice as big as the last time I saw him:). That was fun, I really do love that dog.

After that – a trip to our local favorite delicacy. Where we are greeted as old friends. That's a big part of thier charm. And, of course, the fact that they have top-notch things, some that can really be hard to come by. For example - Halva. Pure. Of the best quality I ever tasted. I really purred at that one.

Arrived home around 13 – both somewhat dead. But we had the meeting with our flight instructor Oded later, so we didn’t have time to rest much. Ate, drank espresso. Packed the plane, and out we were.

Now. Oded. He is something else. Some people are genius in math or computer. This one is genius in electronic, and planning, and invention and building. God I wanted so much for Hagar and her dad to be there, since I think they would have enjoyed it so much. Some of this planes were literately Artwork. A master piece. I’ve never seen the like of it, and I’ve seen some things in the KY flight club, OK? Opher was purring like whoa and drinking it all in – he will learn how to put together the plane from Oded.

here, for example, is a link to one of the planes he had planned and build from Zero: Pugi Plane

Isn't it an adorable little thing?

And he had built another one - built specifly for night flying! it has little Led light bulbs built all over the wings and when the engine is active, the light bulbs are active as well.

I'm telling you, this man, he is a genius. And all that, without formal teaching. Did't even finish high school. He is self-taught.

Also - Oded checked my radio and said it’s garbage. So he recced us a better one that we will order, and that one will cost about – oh, 65 $ and some more for taxs and so. About 400 NIC all in all. Not horrible, and it will improve greatly my control of the plane. (this is the One:

We are also going to by something to make the wing stronger and less vulnerable to harm – forget what it’s called but we have it written down somewhere.

So, we returned home dead meat but. It was sure an interesting afternoon. I can't wait for my first lesson with him.
ernads: may I have one like this some day (RRC plans)
Day started nice, and than took a sharp turn downwards (I think I ate something that was spoiled already, and my poor stomach is Not Happy.)

I was even able to work hard and with sharp focus for two hours. Now though...

I've managed to make an appointment today with a specialist for Orthopedic problems in the feet. Private only, of course - the man is the head of the department in Ichilove. It will cost a 1000 NIS, and I will get about 600 NIS back. I will show him the Xray and we will see what he says.

Will probably have to go alone, and cancel the Biofeedback appointment, but - it's that urgent. The pain there is not improving.

The nice bit of news - I'v found us a good RRC flight teacher. The man is flying planes for more than 50 years. He is building and planning his own planes from scratch. He is building radios and all sorts of equipment. I searched for his name and saw that he is one of the Best Guides selected by one of the top flight schools (and not the one he is working in). And, I've read in the reviews that he is very good in working with just about everyone (he is teaching now a 70 years old guy, and he is working with children, and he had worked with ADHD people, so adjustment should not be an issue here.

He is also refusing firmly to start working with me before seeing and checking the plane with his own eyes, and giving me a through background and theoretical info. Because it's not responsible in his opinion otherwise. And I can't argue with that.

So we will try seeing him next week and see what he says.

Oh, and I thought that he will probably be the best in teaching Maintenance to [personal profile] antongarou,as he is building his own planes and so on?

he also said that the plane I bought is of a kind he trusts, but he needs to see how it to judge it's quality . (told me I paid far to much for the deal, but. Don't know, of course a guy who makes his own will think that).

anyhow, back to work now
ernads: black sun rising (black sun rising)
One thing that was really horrible today:

Due to the huge increase in manpower (more than 150% in less than 2 years) CP is building a new building. And connecting it to the old one so that the end result will be one huge-ass structure. Well and good.

However. Right now they are connecting the old building to the new one. So they had to switch between the two wings of the building – my department was moved to the side adjacent to the new building, because we are the smaller department who takes less space. And the other one, OE, was moved to our old wing.

So, aside from the small annoying fact that they have lost all my personal things during the transit (It was packed into a box and drawered, with my name on it. Not found. ), right now we are sitting (and need to work) right in the heart of a construction area. And that means drilling, drilling, drilling, dust, dust, dust, and fucking Toxic gases that had made me literally ill today for a good three hours, until the air cleared up a bit. I don’t want to think about the long-termed health implications. Is there any use to it?

But I’m not very happy. Really felt like I’m choking today, slowly but surely, and it was seriously not fun.


ernads: Fenic (Default)

January 2017

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