Evil is what you make of it,

Purimgifts 2026!

Fri, 02 Jan 2026 12:31:50 GMT

Dear author/Podficcer,I'm so exited to be here. thanks so much for writing for me<3

There are several things I really like, that are common in all fandoms, and I thought it's best to mention them here: Relationships that are Family-like (preferably without any sexual attraction. Hurt/comfort, just comfort with no hurt; ladies kicking ass and taking names is always good;(one main reason I love October Dye so much, oh god. Missing scenes is also great. Fix it-scenes is a huge bonus.

Fandoms that will make me most happy:

I fell in love with Wicked again during 2024 and am obssessing over it for more then a year now. Prefered relationship is Gelphie. This one will make me most happy!

*Frozen: I love the relationship between the sisters. So loving.
*Yuri on Ice: Oh, words can't descirbe how much I adore that series.
*Octpber Daye - my most beloved series, like, ever. I adore most of all the relationship between October and the Sea Witch. And October and Sylvester Fix it.
*She-Ra: I took a bit to warm up to this one, but sesons two-Five are marvelous
*Tarot: will be intersting to read.That's a hard one and I slut anyone who attemps this

'Ship-wise, I prefer Fem ships - but would much rather to keep it to T level. But most of all I'm interested in friendship. "Found family, family of choice and so on.

Things that may be a problem:

I read slash but am so very picky about it- scenes that are just smut are a major issue.I am much more for asexual relationships that are based on close and intimate relationship. There are several fandoms were I can't stand to read Slash in them - Frozen being the Number One. Please, just don't.

Also All hurt, no comfort are to be avoided. So are Betrayal of trust. Sexual abuse. Child abuse. Abuse, in general. Things that make no sense in-universe and remain unexplained,bullying, unless it's presented as a very negative thing, is a definite trigger. Emotional manipulation, shaming, guilting, is a major trigger. Please try to avoid any of the above.

Otherwise - it's a long list, I know, but those are just pointers. I will probably love everything your write or podfic. Thank you so much!

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Purimgifts 2023

Mon, 09 Jan 2023 06:17:44 GMT

Dear author,I'm so exited to be here. thanks so much for writing for me<3

There are several things I really like, that are common in all fandoms, and I thought it's best to mention them here: Relationships that are Family-like (preferably without any sexual attraction. Hurt/comfort, just comfort with no hurt; ladies kicking ass and taking names is always good;(one main reason I love October Dye so much, oh god. Missing scenes is also great. Fix it-scenes is a huge bonus.

Fandoms that will make me most happy:

*Frozen: I love the relationship between the sisters. So loving.
*Yuri on Ice: Oh, words can't descirbe how much I adore that series.
*Octpber Daye - my most beloved series, like, ever. I adore most of all the relationship between October and the Sea Witch. And October and Sylvester Fix it.
*She-Ra: I took a bit to warm up to this one, but sesons two-Five are marvelous
*Tarot: will be intersting to read.That's a hard one and I slut anyone who attemps this

'Ship-wise, I prefer Fem ships - but would much rather to keep it to T level. But most of all I'm interested in friendship. "Found family, family of choice and so on.

Things that may be a problem:

I read slash but am so very picky about it- scenes that are just smut are a major issue.I am much more for asexual relationships that are based on close and intimate relationship. There are several fandoms were I can't stand to read Slash in them - Frozen being the Number One. Please, just don't.

Also All hurt, no comfort are to be avoided. So are Betrayal of trust. Sexual abuse. Child abuse. Abuse, in general. Things that make no sense in-universe and remain unexplained, high school/college AU's, (sorry am just bored with those). Bullying, unless it's presented as a very negative thing, is a definite trigger. Emotional manipulation, shaming, guilting, is a major trigger. Please try to avoid any of the above.

Otherwise - it's a long list, I know, but those are just pointers. I will probably love everything your write or podfic. Thank you so much!

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News in general

Thu, 18 Aug 2022 19:49:19 GMT

Today started out very well. Untill the evening. I had repeated a very bad pattern. From an abusive ex friend of mine. I am worried it will take time to rebalance myself, and terrfied of making mistakes that will harm my loved ones again.

Trying to hold onto one's Self feels like trying to hold a feastfull of sand. It keeps leaking all over the place, make a mess.

No use to being in terror from this. I must fight on, stop doing things like an atomatic plane, and pause to think instead of leashing out out of sheer terror. And take responsiblty of my mistakes. Not shifting it on other people.

So. Deep breath, meditate, and go on.

Today i also read a book about narcissist mothers. That one read so much like my own life, it triggered me badly. I did not antisipate such a strong reaction. I think that was the point i lost control over myself.

Did anyone here feel his/herself crumbling an relapsing all over again? If so i would love some tips. I do not wish to loose myself again and loose in the battle against my worst enomy: Myself. Would rather die than go back to last winter

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Was not here for ages

Wed, 17 Aug 2022 19:21:19 GMT

I did not write here for a long time. Life had become very busy. But i feel a need to return, as writing is one of my main tools to handle fear and well, terror.

The last few weeks were too good, and now i fear i am coming apart again. I feel a rise in anxiety, fatigue and pain. I feel an increase in dissociation and a decrease in my awarenece and handling abilty to handle this, and i am terrefied. It's like feeling myself falling down in slow motion, seeing the horrible days of the winter hunting me down again, and i fear i will loose the battle against my worst enomy:myself.

My resourses are limited, my workload increasing, i am about to start a new course in three month. If i will not stablise my self untill than, a complete breakdown is certain.

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😭😭😭😭

Fri, 08 Apr 2022 18:58:07 GMT

my heart broke today. It's still hurting like hell. It will take some time before healing can begin healing.

It's not with grief we are alone.
It's in the healing

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Joyyyyyy

Thu, 07 Apr 2022 21:39:43 GMT

Anddd to make the evening more Interesting,we have:

Political Mess,a solid chance for The Bibi (can't describe how much I hate him. Recall Trump? Bibi is no less mad,and far,far more dangerous. He has a brilliant mind combined with a Narcissistic mind,lots of money,no red lines whatsoever. His only care is for power,and frankly,he terrifies me.)

And we had tonight yet another deadly terror attack. The terrorist is loose and armed.

Welcome to Israel,the country of a CPTSD nation.

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Things are a bit of a mess right now

Thu, 07 Apr 2022 18:04:32 GMT

I did not update for some time. Last few weeks were busy due to my son's moving out. They needed much help.

So. That peticuler mess is over with. And now I have a sever family crises.

The worst is the times I can do nothing to help. Few things are more difficult than watching a loved one in pain and being helpless to ease that pain.

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War in...Israel.

Tue, 29 Mar 2022 19:24:43 GMT

It may seem like small news compared to the war in Ukraine,and yet,it is more personal for me.

For the last week we have a wave of random terror attacks. Three so far,in various cities all over the country. 11 dead.

War,terror attackes, missiles,and so on are nothing new here. Israel was Born out of the ashes of the Holocaust,bathed in fire,and remainded so ever since. In my 43 years I saw...ammmm three major wars,and countless terror attacks.

And yet,I didn't feel so vulnerable since the early 2000,during that huge wave of terror and suicide attacks. My home city, Haifa,took a heavy load. We have a special cemetery for people who died in terror attacks,and a whole section for tens of dead children. Burned in the bus,the mall,wherever.

One of those was almost an adopted sister for me. Liz,what a lovely teen she was.

And this week attacks have a horrible intimacy to them. All shooting attacks. A racket attack is more deadly,but far less intimate. And we do have alarmes that warns us off to secure areas.

Here,now,we do not. I have no idea what tommorow will bring,and I am afraid.

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Mess with Ukraine

Tue, 22 Mar 2022 08:08:37 GMT

Things continue to be a Mess on this front. I'm watching with great concern the war in Ukraine as it's getting bloodier and bloodier with each passing day.

I'm also angry about the fact that out delicate international position prevents us from actually assisting in the fight against Russia. Because, we do have some of the most sophisticated defense weapons in the world, but we are not able to provide them for Ukraine's defense.

Because if we do, Russia will turn on us in force, and our defense and even survival is dependent on our activates in Syria and Iran. The one think we have learned, acutely,is that Israel can't expect or depend on support from the world, the US included, in case of a war with Iran.

Anyhow, it's painful for me, cause I really yearn to be able to help them. Politics are so dirty sometimes. They really are.

I am not sure if Bennet is still in a good negotiation position, but I pray he is doing something at least on that front.

Sigh

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playing with Icons

Tue, 22 Mar 2022 07:50:06 GMT

I've discovered thanks to my younger son a fun application, called Canva.Com

It's for people who are new to graphics and so on, and I'm having loads of fun with it. Yesterday I sat and made about 20 new icons with it's help.

Anyhow, despite local and international Mess, I've been having a few very good days. I'm that much more lucid, despite not being to sleep much better and no decrease in pain level. My emotional control is better, I'm able to handle several emergencies at a time (the whole weekend went on that).

And, not only my cognitive abilities are higher, I'm becoming somewhat more able to walk a bit and do some household duties. Which is critical at this point, as my SO is Not In A Good State. I've being worrying over that one for several months now, but it's worse now. I've been asking him to check out his extreme fatigue for weeks now.

So yesterday I used my own appointment with our Family doctor to talk with her about him, and she had him on the line in just a minute, talked with him and directed him to urgently check sleep issues. She is almost certain he has respiratory arrest. So now, at least he has an appointment in about a month from now. I really hope that that is the problem as it's at least treatable.

Other than that and some other family issue, I must admit I've been happy. I do hurt and feel much regret and pain, but - I'm able to let go most of the time. For most of the last month, I've been happy.

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Had an...interesting day

Thu, 17 Mar 2022 20:47:41 GMT

Can't give much details without a proper lock and I didn't build a new safety lock as yet.

In short: today is the last day of Purim. Which means whole streets were blocked due to Purim celebrations.

And while I do enjoy walking around seeing happy kids in costums, I enjoy less by far being stuck on a bus cause of mega traffic James. Israel is horrible on this in the best cases,today was Something Else.

(The only time the roads are clear where the early days of the Covid19 lock downs.....).

Anyhow the way back was much worse. I was dead on my feet,I lost my lovely new coat in the Mess,and was dead tired as it is.

Than I get the news that two of my dearest friends are in a deep crisis. Those two do not have supporting families and we are the closest thing they have to family.

So,the day got a Lot more Interesting since,and it be even more so tomorrow...

So,everyone around me is snoring at this point,cats included. So better go take my meds and ready for sleep.

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Purim

Tue, 15 Mar 2022 11:41:55 GMT

It's a cold,sunny day in my part of our tiny country. (Israel is tiny,but we have no less than three climate zones).

As per normal,it's colder than usually. But I went for shopping anyway,and I am delighted in seeing small kids,and bigger ones,in costumes. Purim is one of my favorite holidays.

( Read more... ).

So. The rest of the day and most off tomorrow are planned for rest and recovery. Our youngest (adopted) son will be 22 tomorrow, and we are hosting a party😍

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Another nice weekend❤️

Sat, 12 Mar 2022 17:11:21 GMT

It's really nice to have a good day with friendss😁😁😁

Now that ( Read more... )

I feel alive and happy. It's still a miracle.

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Oh god I forgot how much it can be🤣

Thu, 10 Mar 2022 15:59:06 GMT

I am having a rather planned ahead Crush Day after several busy days. Usually I spend crash days lying in bed reading. However, I have recognized today it's about the best way to get a horrible dissisiation attack,so changed tactic today.

So I dove into old,well loved series,and recalled my passionate love affair with The West Wing.

So I am sitting here laughing my ass off,re watching the Pilot episode. Forgot how funny those early episodes are. My diso vanished after less than ten minutes.

If there is anyone here who can share recs about their beloved series I will really appreciate it😁

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Pics and details from Eilat

Sun, 06 Mar 2022 16:49:59 GMT

Hiii everyone. I am back.

So, We had enjoyed three days in a luxurious hotel, ten floor, with a lovely view of the Red Sea. Ophers's company literally spoiled us rotten:) That is, very good food, (and both of us threw away the diet restrictions), evening Party, and a Kazino night :)

Boths of us chose not to play, cause, as Opher said: " the best way to win a poker game is to avoid playing the damn game".

(and right now pops into my mind those games in TNG. And that last episode when Picard joined in. Oh, dear TNG).

Anyhow, we visited during the days three locations: The Underwater Observatory where lot's live, the Dolphins Beach (that was The highlight for me) and a local botanic garden.

So, with that, let's try to embed pics: (those will be under a cut, as I recall it's more polite this way).

( Read more... )

All in all, had a wonderful time:)

Hope you all have a great day.

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Back from Eilat😍

Sat, 05 Mar 2022 15:59:07 GMT

Just a short note to share that we are very tired and very happy. I have crossed successfully a critical thrash hold.

I actually like my self.

Tomorrow is lots of rest, and hopefully picsss

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Eilat!!!

Thu, 03 Mar 2022 06:30:58 GMT

Yeah, I am in the terminal for the very first time since Covid19 became our new unwelcome guest.

(Eilat is one of the main attractions in Israel. Beautiful cold sea,shining against the background of red mountains.)

Also I want to upload pics here can someone please send me a link? I've forgotten in the last six years.

(Tried to search a link and checked with support, I am afraid it did not help.

Have a very good day friends.

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Day post

Wed, 02 Mar 2022 11:47:47 GMT

First time I can share positive news about the new meds. Will keep under cut just in case.

( Read more... ).

So,today is the best day I've had for a long time.

Most urgent ongoing challenge: maintenance. If I have much luck I will be good for three or four hours on the computer,and that will require constantly pacing and self awareness. That's my current goal.

Here's to hope

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Tue, 01 Mar 2022 21:05:07 GMT

The day I will able to say: "I'm not always completely exhausted" will be my salvation. I truly,at this point,will be overjoyed to reach that point.

I also think it's a realistic goal. I am fully aware that my disability in this front will remained,always. Pacing is my greatest challenge now.

But,oh god. Not to be always exhausted. What a sweet dream.

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Day Post plus War in Ukraine

Mon, 28 Feb 2022 18:43:20 GMT

Fifth day to the war on Ukraine. And I am more worried then ever. I trust Putin just am much as I trust Trump,regarding their ability to restain themselves from misusing their nuclear arsane. Just the thought of Putin sitting there with his thumb on the nuclear switch...shudders .

Meanwhile I continue the struggle on both the mental and the physical fronts. I am utilizing several cognitive tool in order to monitor my statuse, attempting to improve my limited ability to be aware of my own limits and ability to function. Slight improvement there, but it will take at least 10 more days to improve,and a lifetime workout to maintain some stability. I've managed to build up a tiny amount of hope and self compassion, mostly through the wonderful mindfulness course with Jack Cornfield. I've loved him since the first time I read The Wise Heart, and hearing his actual voice is some experience. Highly recommended. (If anyone wants a link let me know).

So,that's that for now. Still little progress on the CFS front, but at least I understand how to pace myself now, and that's definitely an improvement. Considering my very low starting point this one will take at least a year,probably more.

Here's for hoping for a good night's sleep.

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Re war in Ukraine

Sat, 26 Feb 2022 18:54:33 GMT

Am somewhat between being unhappy and angry regarding the whole mess, thus this is the closets icon I've to express myself right now. (I'm relearning dreamwidth and still do not understand how to create new icons)

Anyhow, the latest update is that Russia is unwilling to seat to the damn negotiation table, whether with Israel as a mediator or another country. How very surprising, is it not?

Am not too happy with our own government,also. The way I see it, is that we are doing to the Ukrainians precisely what we dread will happen to us in case Iran goes nuclear: That is, zit. Nil.Nothing.

No, we will not have the legitimacy to cry to the US and the West about breaking promises. Not when we stand by doing nothing, because (an understandable,logical but cold) need to "walk between the drops".

I understand the Why. I see the Logic behind it, as I have quite a bright mind despite all my numerous physical and mental issues, not to mention my repeating addictive patterns.

It's just...sad.

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War Update

Sat, 26 Feb 2022 11:15:52 GMT

I usually check up news every few hours or so. The last batch made me blink just a little bit...

apparently the Ukrainians with Israel to negotiate between them and the Russians.

I find it somewhat ironic that Israel, one of the world's worst war zones, a CPTSD nation, with be able to negotiate peace treaty between other nations.

But perhaps, exactly for that reason, we might be able to do that. And also Zelensky is correct in saying that Israel does have good relationships with both countries.

If that will indeed happen, it will be interesting to watch

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Three in a boat

Thu, 24 Feb 2022 20:19:01 GMT

So. My husband Opher and I are relaxing with one of the kitties between us. he mentions that our X Prime Minister is involved in yet another scandal.

After a bit,our thoughts turn toward the war.

I said. "With Bibi so very much corrupt, no wonder he and Putin were such buddies. I swear, those two are so much alike they could be brothers."

He said "oh, yesss, I can just see them sitting together and drinking Vodka"

I rolled down laughing: " yes,I have a better one for you. How about taking those two, adding Trump into the gang, and send them off in a boat"?

He said. " yeah, that's a wonderful idea. Take the most corrupt leaders and send them of in a boat to rot. Or at least, until the first of them will drink his ass off. My bet is on Putin drinking himself to death. "

I replied: " And then we might finally shut off that stupid war. Let's add Bibi and then perhaps we might have peace..."

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Day Post plus War in Ukraine

Thu, 24 Feb 2022 14:14:04 GMT

This morning I woke up to news on Ukraine.

I am far from surprised. For the last two or three weeks I _felt_ this war coming on us.

Israel is in a tight spot here. On the one hand,our ties to United State are so very much vital to our very survival. How ever, Israel has vast interest with Russian: not only out of concern to the many Isralies and Jewish population. And not only economic interest.

For years Israel enjoyed Ade Facto green light to act at need for our self protection.

Now should Israel stand openly with our Ally, we might loose that green light to use preemptive actions.

That's very much like being caught between a rock and a hard place.

God, I do not envy our somewhat... Crumbling coalition. Israel was never an easy country to govern.I usually think that the whole of Israel suffers from collective CTPCD.

So. The Covid pandemic is still very much alive, a six wave is bound to come within the next few months, (or else I am a fish), the inflation will grow worse even without the Ukraine front. Not to mention our friends to the North and the ever going Palestinian conflict... If our dear EX prime minister had any sense, he should have run for the Jail as soon as possible... (Not than we can count on Bibi of all people to have something remotely like Sense...)

On my own front: I am on a new med now,and I am starting to have a tiny amount of hope.

It's hard to understand how extremely terrifing Hope can be after years of ongoing loops and increasing deteriorating mental and physical state.

My main effort now must focuses in staying in the Now, within Safe Distance off both unbased hope and despair. For in both way, lies illusion.

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Hi guys,I am back after five years or so.

Wed, 23 Feb 2022 15:29:19 GMT

I did not hang out here for years.however,since I delight in interaction and hope to find new friends I have decided to revive my blog.

This time,though,it will be different.I intent to keep the posts unlocked in hope of finding new friends.

Also,in order to keep this as a safe place, _no_ triggery issues will be discussed at all.I intend to keep information about my own rehab severely limited only to topics that may be relevant to other people,not focuses on my own.

If anyone will be interested in links about CFS that were reqed to me by my own doctor I will be happy to share via PM.

Also books and show reqs will be included. And cats. And qute things😊

Hope to see you around guys.

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