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[ernads]

Today started out very well. Untill the evening. I had repeated a very bad pattern. From an abusive ex friend of mine. I am worried it will take time to rebalance myself, and terrfied of making mistakes that will harm my loved ones again.

Trying to hold onto one's Self feels like trying to hold a feastfull of sand. It keeps leaking all over the place, make a mess.

No use to being in terror from this. I must fight on, stop doing things like an atomatic plane, and pause to think instead of leashing out out of sheer terror. And take responsiblty of my mistakes. Not shifting it on other people.

So. Deep breath, meditate, and go on.

Today i also read a book about narcissist mothers. That one read so much like my own life, it triggered me badly. I did not antisipate such a strong reaction. I think that was the point i lost control over myself.

Did anyone here feel his/herself crumbling an relapsing all over again? If so i would love some tips. I do not wish to loose myself again and loose in the battle against my worst enomy: Myself. Would rather die than go back to last winter

Comments

[stonepicnicking_okapi]

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. It sounds like you're doing what you need to do. Staying mindful. Slowing down so you can deal with the world and other people logically and rationally and with maturity. I have found that analyzing my problems can sometimes be a problem in itself. Too much focusing on myself and spiraling. Sorry that the book did that to you, but maybe steer clear of those! I try to distract myself as much as possible with nice things (like ficcing or jigsaw puzzles or coloring) or with mundane things (there's always something to clean or tidy or laundry). It's difficult to silence the critical voice and the fearful voice but I think you can soften them at least. I am thinking of you and wishing you better days!

[ernads]

Hi, thank you so much. I will try what you suggested. I hope you are well and wish you a happy weekend and very good week