Dear author,I'm so exited to be here. thanks so much for writing for me<3

There are several things I really like, that are common in all fandoms, and I thought it's best to mention them here: Relationships that are Family-like (preferably without any sexual attraction. Hurt/comfort, just comfort with no hurt; ladies kicking ass and taking names is always good;(one main reason I love October Dye so much, oh god. Missing scenes is also great. Fix it-scenes is a huge bonus.


Fandoms that will make me most happy:

*Frozen: I love the relationship between the sisters. So loving.
*Yuri on Ice: Oh, words can't descirbe how much I adore that series.
*Octpber Daye - my most beloved series, like, ever. I adore most of all the relationship between October and the Sea Witch. And October and Sylvester Fix it.
*She-Ra: I took a bit to warm up to this one, but sesons two-Five are marvelous
*Tarot: will be intersting to read.That's a hard one and I slut anyone who attemps this


'Ship-wise, I prefer Fem ships - but would much rather to keep it to T level. But most of all I'm interested in friendship. "Found family, family of choice and so on.

Things that may be a problem:

I read slash but am so very picky about it- scenes that are just smut are a major issue.I am much more for asexual relationships that are based on close and intimate relationship. There are several fandoms were I can't stand to read Slash in them - Frozen being the Number One. Please, just don't.

Also All hurt, no comfort are to be avoided. So are Betrayal of trust. Sexual abuse. Child abuse. Abuse, in general. Things that make no sense in-universe and remain unexplained, high school/college AU's, (sorry am just bored with those). Bullying, unless it's presented as a very negative thing, is a definite trigger. Emotional manipulation, shaming, guilting, is a major trigger. Please try to avoid any of the above.

Otherwise - it's a long list, I know, but those are just pointers. I will probably love everything your write or podfic. Thank you so much!

I did not write here for a long time. Life had become very busy. But i feel a need to return, as writing is one of my main tools to handle fear and well, terror.

The last few weeks were too good, and now i fear i am coming apart again. I feel a rise in anxiety, fatigue and pain. I feel an increase in dissociation and a decrease in my awarenece and handling abilty to handle this, and i am terrefied. It's like feeling myself falling down in slow motion, seeing the horrible days of the winter hunting me down again, and i fear i will loose the battle against my worst enomy:myself.

My resourses are limited, my workload increasing, i am about to start a new course in three month. If i will not stablise my self untill than, a complete breakdown is certain.

Anddd to make the evening more Interesting,we have:

Political Mess,a solid chance for The Bibi (can't describe how much I hate him. Recall Trump? Bibi is no less mad,and far,far more dangerous. He has a brilliant mind combined with a Narcissistic mind,lots of money,no red lines whatsoever. His only care is for power,and frankly,he terrifies me.)

And we had tonight yet another deadly terror attack. The terrorist is loose and armed.

Welcome to Israel,the country of a CPTSD nation.

It may seem like small news compared to the war in Ukraine,and yet,it is more personal for me.

For the last week we have a wave of random terror attacks. Three so far,in various cities all over the country. 11 dead.

War,terror attackes, missiles,and so on are nothing new here. Israel was Born out of the ashes of the Holocaust,bathed in fire,and remainded so ever since. In my 43 years I saw...ammmm three major wars,and countless terror attacks.

And yet,I didn't feel so vulnerable since the early 2000,during that huge wave of terror and suicide attacks. My home city, Haifa,took a heavy load. We have a special cemetery for people who died in terror attacks,and a whole section for tens of dead children. Burned in the bus,the mall,wherever.

One of those was almost an adopted sister for me. Liz,what a lovely teen she was.

And this week attacks have a horrible intimacy to them. All shooting attacks. A racket attack is more deadly,but far less intimate. And we do have alarmes that warns us off to secure areas.

Here,now,we do not. I have no idea what tommorow will bring,and I am afraid.

I've discovered thanks to my younger son a fun application, called Canva.Com

It's for people who are new to graphics and so on, and I'm having loads of fun with it. Yesterday I sat and made about 20 new icons with it's help.

Anyhow, despite local and international Mess, I've been having a few very good days. I'm that much more lucid, despite not being to sleep much better and no decrease in pain level. My emotional control is better, I'm able to handle several emergencies at a time (the whole weekend went on that).

And, not only my cognitive abilities are higher, I'm becoming somewhat more able to walk a bit and do some household duties. Which is critical at this point, as my SO is Not In A Good State. I've being worrying over that one for several months now, but it's worse now. I've been asking him to check out his extreme fatigue for weeks now.

So yesterday I used my own appointment with our Family doctor to talk with her about him, and she had him on the line in just a minute, talked with him and directed him to urgently check sleep issues. She is almost certain he has respiratory arrest. So now, at least he has an appointment in about a month from now. I really hope that that is the problem as it's at least treatable.

Other than that and some other family issue, I must admit I've been happy. I do hurt and feel much regret and pain, but - I'm able to let go most of the time. For most of the last month, I've been happy.

It's a cold,sunny day in my part of our tiny country. (Israel is tiny,but we have no less than three climate zones).

As per normal,it's colder than usually. But I went for shopping anyway,and I am delighted in seeing small kids,and bigger ones,in costumes. Purim is one of my favorite holidays.

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So. The rest of the day and most off tomorrow are planned for rest and recovery. Our youngest (adopted) son will be 22 tomorrow, and we are hosting a party😍

I am having a rather planned ahead Crush Day after several busy days. Usually I spend crash days lying in bed reading. However, I have recognized today it's about the best way to get a horrible dissisiation attack,so changed tactic today.

So I dove into old,well loved series,and recalled my passionate love affair with The West Wing.

So I am sitting here laughing my ass off,re watching the Pilot episode. Forgot how funny those early episodes are. My diso vanished after less than ten minutes.

If there is anyone here who can share recs about their beloved series I will really appreciate it😁

Just a short note to share that we are very tired and very happy. I have crossed successfully a critical thrash hold.

I actually like my self.

Tomorrow is lots of rest, and hopefully picsss

First time I can share positive news about the new meds. Will keep under cut just in case.

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So,today is the best day I've had for a long time.

Most urgent ongoing challenge: maintenance. If I have much luck I will be good for three or four hours on the computer,and that will require constantly pacing and self awareness. That's my current goal.

Here's to hope

Fifth day to the war on Ukraine. And I am more worried then ever. I trust Putin just am much as I trust Trump,regarding their ability to restain themselves from misusing their nuclear arsane. Just the thought of Putin sitting there with his thumb on the nuclear switch...shudders .

Meanwhile I continue the struggle on both the mental and the physical fronts. I am utilizing several cognitive tool in order to monitor my statuse, attempting to improve my limited ability to be aware of my own limits and ability to function. Slight improvement there, but it will take at least 10 more days to improve,and a lifetime workout to maintain some stability. I've managed to build up a tiny amount of hope and self compassion, mostly through the wonderful mindfulness course with Jack Cornfield. I've loved him since the first time I read The Wise Heart, and hearing his actual voice is some experience. Highly recommended. (If anyone wants a link let me know).

So,that's that for now. Still little progress on the CFS front, but at least I understand how to pace myself now, and that's definitely an improvement. Considering my very low starting point this one will take at least a year,probably more.

Here's for hoping for a good night's sleep.