morning post

I'm nearly drunk with feeling almost well and functioning! . It's been so long since I've felt this way; am bright and chipper at work, attentive to my duties, not obsessing over things I can't change (like Hagar or what-ifs and if-only's, for example), and overall feeling almost normal. What fun. I just hope it's not a side effect of the med - could be some kind of mild mania. Will be watching for the down that follows, just in case.

Anyway - the icon is only half appropriate, since it's horribly hot outside instead of a lovely wintry sun, but it fits my mood.

This weekend we are going to Haifa, but I expect if to be a better experience than last time since - 1: I will be on the med (am almost certain to receive approval to take it daily) and 2: We will spent the Parents half of the visit my sisters, celebrating my baby nephew birthday. And we will see Anat before that! I need to buy her a birthday gift at well, and something for the baby.

Today we will leave work around 17 to go meet Gita, so better go back to work now

day post

Today was a very good day, overall. I was able to function at work productively till almost 16, and than when I felt tired, I didn't push it but slowed the pace down.

And than antongarou and I braved the heatwave (no exaggeration here) and went to meet Gita together. There are several issues that needed being dealt with that influence us both.

The first I can discuss in open lock - I have come to the reluctant conclusion that I have some tendency for Self Harm - emotional and otherwise. My overdoing things at work can be put under that, although the trigger here is economic fear. But my not stopping at red light goes beyond reasonable fear. Also, my reading too many stories about homeless dogs and so does nothing but depress me, without helping them.

So, we have discussed the issue, with me going a bit deeper and understanding that the main trigger here is guilt - I am afraid that because of my disabilities I will be fired, be unable to find another work, our economic statues will decline sharply, and "it will be my fault, for not being like everyone or going to work sick like my father". (yes, he does, as a routine, despite the fact that he has to operate. Am not sure how smart is that.)

Anyhow - Gira advised that every time that I feel myself falling into this loop, to treat it immediately. Write the negative thoughts down, and start working them out and processing them, and explain to yourself why you should not feel guilty.

And than, set a red line - if I feel the start of crippling fatigue - no matter when - not wait for the collapse but cut and go home than and there. Ravit will prefer my coming for three hours and cutting in time than pushing and collapsing for three days. And it's far more considerate of antongarou and of my health.

So, I promised to look up this guide line on bad days in order not to forget.