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Am in a bit of a freakout.
Oct. 28th, 2013 11:23 amAnd now I am falling into sheer depression again. Why, I am really not sure. But I know the warning signs well enough.
Part of it has to do with wedding freakout. Part of it has to do with sheer loneliness – or, more likely, my own triggers. I translate some things as a rejection, even when there is little to no base to it. And when I do X and receive a Y, or not receive any reaction at all, I react badly to it.
It does not help that I have nothing to do today. No work, no orders, hardly anything in Queris, I have already done what my TL asked me. So, when I have nothing to busy my mind…
I can read, yes. I had discovered the Riftwar Saga books. Don’t know how I managed to miss them till now. And they are excellent read, and I delight in them, and in having a new book to read.
But.
In two weeks I am supposed to go dress shopping with my sister, Hagar, and my mother. And I did not talk with my mother about it. I did not confront her with “this is the date the other two can – not to mention myself – so, make yourself fit with us. Arrange your schedule around us, instead of vice versa for once”.
I don’t like confrontations. I hate them, in fact. I fear them. It’s violence for me, it’s a threat over my wellbeing and safely, and I shrink from it. It has to do with my parents being rather violent with each other when I was a child, with my father breaking a wall with his fist in anger over me, and I was small, than, an 8 years old, and I was afraid. It has to do with the children throwing stones in me in school breaks.
And I am afraid. Afraid. The one thing I have slow progress in is the sex therapy. Cause touching that hurts so much, and I can’t progress without pushing those borders, and those are wounds that never healed. It’s not that they healed wrong – they never healed at all.
I have - weird mind. I think. Extremity flexible in some ways. Extremely adoptable .That’s what allows me to progress so much in the last few month. And I did – I am aware of that. But also, extremely wounded. And even my adoptability only goes so far.
Part of it has to do with wedding freakout. Part of it has to do with sheer loneliness – or, more likely, my own triggers. I translate some things as a rejection, even when there is little to no base to it. And when I do X and receive a Y, or not receive any reaction at all, I react badly to it.
It does not help that I have nothing to do today. No work, no orders, hardly anything in Queris, I have already done what my TL asked me. So, when I have nothing to busy my mind…
I can read, yes. I had discovered the Riftwar Saga books. Don’t know how I managed to miss them till now. And they are excellent read, and I delight in them, and in having a new book to read.
But.
In two weeks I am supposed to go dress shopping with my sister, Hagar, and my mother. And I did not talk with my mother about it. I did not confront her with “this is the date the other two can – not to mention myself – so, make yourself fit with us. Arrange your schedule around us, instead of vice versa for once”.
I don’t like confrontations. I hate them, in fact. I fear them. It’s violence for me, it’s a threat over my wellbeing and safely, and I shrink from it. It has to do with my parents being rather violent with each other when I was a child, with my father breaking a wall with his fist in anger over me, and I was small, than, an 8 years old, and I was afraid. It has to do with the children throwing stones in me in school breaks.
And I am afraid. Afraid. The one thing I have slow progress in is the sex therapy. Cause touching that hurts so much, and I can’t progress without pushing those borders, and those are wounds that never healed. It’s not that they healed wrong – they never healed at all.
I have - weird mind. I think. Extremity flexible in some ways. Extremely adoptable .That’s what allows me to progress so much in the last few month. And I did – I am aware of that. But also, extremely wounded. And even my adoptability only goes so far.
