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Well. I had a good workday. ( am not referring to Checkpoint)
(ETA for spelling and some changes)
So. Two weeks ago, in our last meeting before the hols, Zipi ( my Bio therapist) said that since time is such an issue, and her method is a long-termed one, she recommended me to have one or two meeting with a college of hers who is more focused: An intensely cognitive therapist. The purpose is to achieve more in a shorter time.
Well, I was very skeptical, but also desperate, and decided to give it a chance and had the meeting today.
So we met for an hour and a half, and I started by telling the whole story as well as the rape and childhood background, since it would have not made sense otherwise. Touched also on my abandonment issues, since I had a feeling that the entire mess it rather hyper-linked.
Than we set to work. She had me first focus on what is the worst thing that can happen in my opinions in that Talk. What is it that I am most afraid off.
And I replied, after thinking about it, that my worst fear is the pain, both emotional and physical, that my parents will feel, the possibility that they will hurt themselves over this, and my feeling at least partly responsibility since my decisions is the trigger. I could have given up and spared them the pain, after all.
So, she told me that, frankly, that's not my business. That a good deal of my tension, anxiety,and fear come from focusing on what they feel instead of thinking on what's right for me and focusing on me .
So she tried to drum into my head that my family's choices are what will end up hurting them, not my own. That this whole process is not aimed at hurting them. And that yes, this is, actually growing up, and that's a painful process, but it needs to be done. And in the end, i also have a choose - to give up to them and have them dictate to me every step of my life, or to make a stand now on what's important me, knowing that it will hurt, but it's healthier in the long run.
And of course, I said, I don't want to give up, the current situation is unbearable, it must be done, I must stand firm.
Than, she had me try to approach the meeting without focusing on that crippling fear, and try outline one single target; what I want to achieve from this meeting. Since, as I concluded, not hurting my family is not a realistic goal.
So, I thought a bit and concluded that my main target is to finish the talk without breaking down and giving up to them, and to do it with minimal hurt to myself.
All that, is rather an abbreviated version of that session, it's the bottom line I am able to clearly recall, and I came out of this session strengthened, and with a first glimmer of confidence that I can actually achieve my target.
Also, since I was still somewhat agitated about this, we touched on my abandonment issues and how it is related to my primary relationships. I told her about my SO, about Hagar, about Ramona ( very shortly) and about Shear. The main ones, in short.
And I concluded that I was clinging so hard, especially in the last few weeks, because my depression sharpened my abandonment issues. The more frequent IM's and phone-calls were not an attempt to deal with loneliness, but to lessen the fear from being cutoff. And I was not able to see clearly I have actually created a loop that did nothing but add stress.
Well, the mail from Monday would have been enough to have me cut the loop. As a result I am cutting the Gtalk, and lessening phonecalls to once a week, and turning most of my expectation for need for emotinal support to Shear and Anat.
But what I got from this meeting is the realization that the root here is the abandonment issue, and a bit of confidence that I can neutralize it, eventually. And that will be the best guarantee that such a loop will not happen again.
So, I left the meeting with a very careful and guarded since of optimism, and set up another one for next Thursday, and after that, I will make the talk.
Still did not decide on the how of it. I will work out the pros and cons and various traps in the weekend, and than we will either talk or, preferably, meet with Hagar and ask for feedback. (Shear is coming to visit on Tuesday, but it's more for emotional support).
But I am beginning to hope them that is a chance I can do it, and for today, that's enough to ease me.
So. Two weeks ago, in our last meeting before the hols, Zipi ( my Bio therapist) said that since time is such an issue, and her method is a long-termed one, she recommended me to have one or two meeting with a college of hers who is more focused: An intensely cognitive therapist. The purpose is to achieve more in a shorter time.
Well, I was very skeptical, but also desperate, and decided to give it a chance and had the meeting today.
So we met for an hour and a half, and I started by telling the whole story as well as the rape and childhood background, since it would have not made sense otherwise. Touched also on my abandonment issues, since I had a feeling that the entire mess it rather hyper-linked.
Than we set to work. She had me first focus on what is the worst thing that can happen in my opinions in that Talk. What is it that I am most afraid off.
And I replied, after thinking about it, that my worst fear is the pain, both emotional and physical, that my parents will feel, the possibility that they will hurt themselves over this, and my feeling at least partly responsibility since my decisions is the trigger. I could have given up and spared them the pain, after all.
So, she told me that, frankly, that's not my business. That a good deal of my tension, anxiety,and fear come from focusing on what they feel instead of thinking on what's right for me and focusing on me .
So she tried to drum into my head that my family's choices are what will end up hurting them, not my own. That this whole process is not aimed at hurting them. And that yes, this is, actually growing up, and that's a painful process, but it needs to be done. And in the end, i also have a choose - to give up to them and have them dictate to me every step of my life, or to make a stand now on what's important me, knowing that it will hurt, but it's healthier in the long run.
And of course, I said, I don't want to give up, the current situation is unbearable, it must be done, I must stand firm.
Than, she had me try to approach the meeting without focusing on that crippling fear, and try outline one single target; what I want to achieve from this meeting. Since, as I concluded, not hurting my family is not a realistic goal.
So, I thought a bit and concluded that my main target is to finish the talk without breaking down and giving up to them, and to do it with minimal hurt to myself.
All that, is rather an abbreviated version of that session, it's the bottom line I am able to clearly recall, and I came out of this session strengthened, and with a first glimmer of confidence that I can actually achieve my target.
Also, since I was still somewhat agitated about this, we touched on my abandonment issues and how it is related to my primary relationships. I told her about my SO, about Hagar, about Ramona ( very shortly) and about Shear. The main ones, in short.
And I concluded that I was clinging so hard, especially in the last few weeks, because my depression sharpened my abandonment issues. The more frequent IM's and phone-calls were not an attempt to deal with loneliness, but to lessen the fear from being cutoff. And I was not able to see clearly I have actually created a loop that did nothing but add stress.
Well, the mail from Monday would have been enough to have me cut the loop. As a result I am cutting the Gtalk, and lessening phonecalls to once a week, and turning most of my expectation for need for emotinal support to Shear and Anat.
But what I got from this meeting is the realization that the root here is the abandonment issue, and a bit of confidence that I can neutralize it, eventually. And that will be the best guarantee that such a loop will not happen again.
So, I left the meeting with a very careful and guarded since of optimism, and set up another one for next Thursday, and after that, I will make the talk.
Still did not decide on the how of it. I will work out the pros and cons and various traps in the weekend, and than we will either talk or, preferably, meet with Hagar and ask for feedback. (Shear is coming to visit on Tuesday, but it's more for emotional support).
But I am beginning to hope them that is a chance I can do it, and for today, that's enough to ease me.