Apr. 17th, 2016

ernads: Star (star)
I think I’ve had a significant breakthrough today. I really don’t want to sound like I’m bragging, or, you know, over-dramatizing things, or trying to fish for positive feedback. But I think the conclusion may be useful enough for me want to share it also on Tumblr – I have more than a few followers who have Spoon problems, and PTSD and so on. Perhaps it may help them.

So, here is a much edited version:

I’ve been struggling for – many months to comprehend and accept the fact that I’m a “High Maintained” person. And that as a result, safe interaction with me depend more spoons than interaction with “Low Maintained” people.

My awareness of that triggered two issues – my fear of abatement, (for who would want to waste precious spoons on someone like me? Why not go to “places” where you will get more value for your spoons, or else spend less spoons?)

And the other trigger was even more painful: the fear that because I’m so demanding and all that, I’m a burden and causing harm to my loved ones. By the very fact that I need so much more positive reassurance and affection, and have so much difficulties to believe I’m worthy of affection. And – what’s worse – by my absolute failure to decrease my need for the above. That realization freaked the hell out of me. It’s so frustrating.

I’ve concluded this morning that the problem is I just don’t understand the difference between being a burden" and "High Maintenance”. I thought both effect my friends about the same, so, in essence, those are synonyms concepts.

But after about an hour of agonizing and thinking about it, I’ve had an insight and was able to give words to the difference between the two:

A high need for attention now is not bad in itself - as long as one respects the boundaries, of his or herself and of other people. As long as an effort is maintained to keep to the safety to the parameters and respect borders, it’s All Good.

And I managed to do it, I think. I do not think that I have caused harm, despite my being more High Maintenance than usual.

However: If a person is using manipulation (whether in a conscious or unconscious way, it matters not) – that’s a harmful act, and that’s when one becomes a Bordon.

So. To conclude: High Maintenance is a characterization of a situation or a person. It means that in order to deal with it or them safety, one need more spoons, and when one has a budget, it means less spoons are available. However, it does not mean I'm causing harm - since I'm acting in a responsible way and respecting my borders.

Which means, I'm not a burden after all.

And I think that this one deserves a little star. (I'm using this Icon for a star, since I always forget to use the real ones. This wil work very well as well


ernads: Fenic (Default)

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