ernads: Star (star)
I think I’ve had a significant breakthrough today. I really don’t want to sound like I’m bragging, or, you know, over-dramatizing things, or trying to fish for positive feedback. But I think the conclusion may be useful enough for me want to share it also on Tumblr – I have more than a few followers who have Spoon problems, and PTSD and so on. Perhaps it may help them.

So, here is a much edited version:

I’ve been struggling for – many months to comprehend and accept the fact that I’m a “High Maintained” person. And that as a result, safe interaction with me depend more spoons than interaction with “Low Maintained” people.

My awareness of that triggered two issues – my fear of abatement, (for who would want to waste precious spoons on someone like me? Why not go to “places” where you will get more value for your spoons, or else spend less spoons?)

And the other trigger was even more painful: the fear that because I’m so demanding and all that, I’m a burden and causing harm to my loved ones. By the very fact that I need so much more positive reassurance and affection, and have so much difficulties to believe I’m worthy of affection. And – what’s worse – by my absolute failure to decrease my need for the above. That realization freaked the hell out of me. It’s so frustrating.

I’ve concluded this morning that the problem is I just don’t understand the difference between being a burden" and "High Maintenance”. I thought both effect my friends about the same, so, in essence, those are synonyms concepts.

But after about an hour of agonizing and thinking about it, I’ve had an insight and was able to give words to the difference between the two:

A high need for attention now is not bad in itself - as long as one respects the boundaries, of his or herself and of other people. As long as an effort is maintained to keep to the safety to the parameters and respect borders, it’s All Good.

And I managed to do it, I think. I do not think that I have caused harm, despite my being more High Maintenance than usual.

However: If a person is using manipulation (whether in a conscious or unconscious way, it matters not) – that’s a harmful act, and that’s when one becomes a Bordon.

So. To conclude: High Maintenance is a characterization of a situation or a person. It means that in order to deal with it or them safety, one need more spoons, and when one has a budget, it means less spoons are available. However, it does not mean I'm causing harm - since I'm acting in a responsible way and respecting my borders.

Which means, I'm not a burden after all.

And I think that this one deserves a little star. (I'm using this Icon for a star, since I always forget to use the real ones. This wil work very well as well
ernads: may I have one like this some day (RRC plans)
Today we had the first flight lesson. I don’t have the spoons to write about it now – however. I have lovely pics to share, and OD said he was impressed with my capabilities. Do you believe it? Cause I don’t.

here is Domino and me

Tomorrow we may have one or two more pics to share.

My teacher, do you believes he is actually happy with me? he said I have good abilities. Me. With the Fibo, ADHD, and chronic pain, and all the other shit. Me. with zero coordination abilities and bad hands. Oh, and eye problems. whoa.
ernads: may I have one like this some day (RRC plans)
God that was fun!

I had today my first RRC lesson. It was a combo of theory and some simulator work.

Let’s start by saying that those guys had prepared an in-depth and thorough course. Very. That’s so far from the approach of the guy from Tisan Krayot that I have no words.

I now know what are Aileron, Rudder, Stabilizing tail, Centre of Lift, Centre of Gravity, and a whole lot of other basic information.

I also know now that the right handle on the radio is used to move the tail up and down and to move the Ailerons left and right…not the tail. And that the right and left movements of the tail are done from the left handle.

And I know now how the plane behooved when it’s coming toward you vie going straight out away from you.

We worked on a very good simulator. At first I was horrible, but toward the end I begin to have (very) rudimentary control over the right and left movements. That’s all we worked about after theory lesson.

Than he tested me on the basis Concepts and asked me to demonstrate them on the modal plan, and I remembered everything. Looks like the info had settled well.

So in order to keep the sequence we made another appointment for tomorrow.

I’m really glad I’ve had the lesson today, because it was just the thing I needed to lift my spirts aft the PTSD workout. (I was functioning today. That does not equal happy or calm).

Also, the man has some marvelous planes as well – took a pic of course to share with the Whatsapp group. There was a plane there that is built like an eagle, and it’s beautiful. And another one that is operated with a camera – you connect some kind of device to it, and that allowed you to see from the point of view of the pilot itself. It’s the nearest thing to actual flight.

YO told me that OD teaching method is to let the plane reach high altitude, than shut down the engein and work on air alone. I think it’s marvelous.

So, yeah. I’m happy very much about my teachers. Very.

Also, YO was overjoyed by my enthusiasm and passion. He said that those are the kind of people he is looking for, because they are the ones who will make good flighers in the end.

One thing I need to remember – Simulator work is not different by far from actual workout. That is – I enter Hyper focus and stay there, throughout. That means – major energy drain. Am dead meat now. Will need to remember to bring a snack for tomorrow

Now. Shower, than dinner and a bit TV, than I am going to start on translating the song. (no, it's not for Jukebox. I'm not going to sigh up since I don't have the sufficient spoons to balance everything now and do it safety for all involved. But I thought that translation the song is a good starting step
ernads: Fenic (Default)
I almost can't believe it - but it took me about two hours, only, to settle down and begin to work.

I mean that only. It's not so easy to handle such a difficult and traumatic procedure such as exposure therapy without going into a meltdown for the rest of the day. And after a hard week, too. (The party was loads of fun - my own self hate issues notwithstanding. But the rest of the day was horrible. And the week was overloaded to such a degree I was forced to postpone Gita to this Tuesday. Been ages since I've done that).

So. I'm almost proud of myself, right now. Maybe I should add a star in that book for that.
ernads: Fenic (Default)
As expected, the accumulation of stress and fatigue from last week resulted in my being a Zombie throughout yesterday. We had adjusted our scheduled accordingly. The aim was to rest as much as possible. SO, the planned trip to Ikia is postponed until farther notice.

Right now I'm at work and functioning rather normally. I'm still very much on edge and stressed, and working on calming myself via Biofeedback techniques. I'm rather glad to be sited alone in the Safe Room right now - this is precisely the kind of space and environment I need to get myself under control.

I'm also avoiding from playing with Jukbox until coming home tonight, since if I start fretting over how to translate things and if I'm actually good enough to participate in this exchange, I will not work and it's a shame. I have the motivation and I have creativity drive. One has to through him - or herself into the water and start swimming if one wants to grow and learn. I've learned this on more than one occasion, on more than one thing.

(Yes, this is my attempt at a pep-talk directed toward soothing my panic attack, caused by thinking "I'm worthless as a writer, what was I thinking, that I can actually accomplish something here? You know you will try and try and fail and than default in the end, right?

So. I'm trying to convince my panicked Self - well, perhaps you will fail speculatively darling. You will not know until you try /)

So, here's for trying.
ernads: beauty (Bird of paradise)
Did it! *jumps up and down for joy. I've actually did it, and it's not half bad, either, despite my massive lack of spoons. I really can do pinch hits. Or at least, several ficlets. I think this is the fourth, so all in all, it’s about one Pinch hit and a third?

So, yeah, after that I trust myself to enter next year. (yes. That’s why I didn’t enter so far. Didn’t think I have it in me to write and publish even 100 lines. And was afraid of fucking up, and than needing to default, and…)

But I think I will be all right, after all. What a surprising discovery about one’s self.

Hope the receiver will enjoy it, anyway, but I enjoyed the writing process and the challenge and the…chance to give something, I guess?

Anyhow.

We decided to go to the Optometrist the the doctor recced us today ,as AV canceled on us on the last minute. (he had excellent reasons both times, but this is starting to get to me. If we can’t make and actually get to an appointment by the end of the week, I will have no choice but to go for a lesser, but at least more accessible Insoles expert. I really hope it will not come to that –Hagar says he is the best in the country and she knows him for a long while, and god knows I need someone who is among the best at least. But.

But that’s beside the point – we went to the Optometrist today. I was stressed as all hell, and waiting an hour didn’t help. But once we got in he was professional and efficient; He looked at the letter from the doctor, made a few measurements of his own. And then suggested we go for a temp solution - Prism stickers. It’s cheaper by far than full Prism lens. The propose here is to see if there is an improvement in my current fucked up situation. If there is some, than we will upgrade this.

He will also add Polarized lanes to my glass, and those also will be clips. All in all it should not be more than 1000 NIS, and we will get about half back through my Maccabi insurance.

I hope so much it will help, as my sight is deteriorating rapidly.
ernads: may I have one like this some day (RRC plans)
We’ve started our day in a trip to KY, in order to collect something from Hagar. Had a few fun minutes with Pinuki as well. (boy, he's twice as big as the last time I saw him:). That was fun, I really do love that dog.

After that – a trip to our local favorite delicacy. Where we are greeted as old friends. That's a big part of thier charm. And, of course, the fact that they have top-notch things, some that can really be hard to come by. For example - Halva. Pure. Of the best quality I ever tasted. I really purred at that one.

Arrived home around 13 – both somewhat dead. But we had the meeting with our flight instructor Oded later, so we didn’t have time to rest much. Ate, drank espresso. Packed the plane, and out we were.

Now. Oded. He is something else. Some people are genius in math or computer. This one is genius in electronic, and planning, and invention and building. God I wanted so much for Hagar and her dad to be there, since I think they would have enjoyed it so much. Some of this planes were literately Artwork. A master piece. I’ve never seen the like of it, and I’ve seen some things in the KY flight club, OK? Opher was purring like whoa and drinking it all in – he will learn how to put together the plane from Oded.

here, for example, is a link to one of the planes he had planned and build from Zero: Pugi Plane

Isn't it an adorable little thing?

And he had built another one - built specifly for night flying! it has little Led light bulbs built all over the wings and when the engine is active, the light bulbs are active as well.

I'm telling you, this man, he is a genius. And all that, without formal teaching. Did't even finish high school. He is self-taught.

Also - Oded checked my radio and said it’s garbage. So he recced us a better one that we will order, and that one will cost about – oh, 65 $ and some more for taxs and so. About 400 NIC all in all. Not horrible, and it will improve greatly my control of the plane. (this is the One:

We are also going to by something to make the wing stronger and less vulnerable to harm – forget what it’s called but we have it written down somewhere.

So, we returned home dead meat but. It was sure an interesting afternoon. I can't wait for my first lesson with him.
ernads: may I have one like this some day (RRC plans)
Am dead meat and [personal profile] antongarou is not much better - he's fast asleep already. (And thanks god we got home when we did, because if it would have taken 20 minutes longer than that, we would have probebly not make it back safetly. )

However - so much fun .

This is the end result: This is the plane we bought

So: We met at the shop, and from there drove toward a large field that’s used for flight lessons.

One minute after getting out of the car, I understood that we have rather horrible flying conditions: Hamsin and very active winds. Very active.

So- first attempt was a disaster. My teacher is not as good as AM, frankly – he does not have that calm, soothing attitude that AM does. But he is teaching many years, including children and guys as old as 50,so.

My main problem is that I don’t have a feel for the radio yet. And since I need to keep an eye on the plane, always, I can’t see or sense if I’m pulling Up to much, or to the left to much, and so on.

However, he did manage to calm me down after a while, and by the third attempt there was some slight improvement: I was able to keep high hyper focus,(to the extent of not hearing anyone around me). Also didn’t loose the plane, and was able to keep it going nice and straight for a few minutes.

By than, we were there almost 90 minutes, mind you, and I was not aware of the time at all.

Or of the little fact than the sun is beating down on me and turning me into a lobster, since by some surge of idiocy, I’ve forgotten to bring protective cream…(yes, am paying for it now).

In the end, we decided to take his rec for a simulator after all (he sales only the joystick, because the regular programs are so expensive that people don’t like to buy them)

He said we should be able to download a reasonably cheap program online (was not able to find a link yet, by my brain is almost dead right now. If we can’t find a good link: we hope to come for some plane tourism on Saturday,maybe, so maybe AM can rec us something. )

Anyhow, the simulator can help me learn to coordinate between eyes and hands. And if we find a good program it might very well save us good 6 or 7 lessons. That’s a whole lot of time and money. (no way I can learn to fly this thing alone. )

After the lesson we went back to the store to pay and to collect everything. And off to meet Shear for lunch.

(And before that, in an act of supreme lack of spoons, I’ve forgotten my damn bag at the shop. We had a little panic attack there).

By the time we headed back it was 17:30, and it took two hours to get home. But – made it home in one piece, which is a major fit on [personal profile] antongarou’s part considering the amount of energy that he had spent during the day. (he did need about 7 cups or espresso or so. But)

Me dead meat, but it was such a fun day, and I can’t wait for the next lesson, and to talk shop with the guys in KY and everything.

Yeah, I think I’m in love with this…

lost girl

Mar. 8th, 2016 11:38 pm
ernads: Fenic (Default)
All right. Unless this one fucks up as badly as Jason did with The 100, looks like I have a new Show.

Lost Girl: A Canadian (That's one plus- Canadian) supernatural drama television series. It follows the life of Bo: A Fae girl, who grew up in an adopted human family, unaware of her non-human nature and of the Fae world she descended from. She began to feel "different" when she entered puberty and didn't know she was not normal until she accidentally killed her high school boyfriend by draining his life energy during her first sexual encounter. Not knowing what she was and what she had done, Bo hated herself and ran away from home, exchanging her previous life for one without family or friends, moving from place to place and assuming a false identity whenever she killed again.

In the first episode, Bo saves a young human woman, Kenzi, from a rapist who had surreptitiously drugged her with a "roofie" in her drink. The two quickly become friends and Kenzi decides they should team up to create a Fae/Human detective agency. Confronted by the Fae leaders of the local territory with a demand for her to choose a side – either "Light" or "Dark" – Bo declares herself neutral, deciding instead to side with humans after Kenzi risks her life to find out where Bo had been taken by force and what they were doing to her.

So, this one looks totaly cool. It also has strong BBF and bisexual relationship - that does not end, mind you, with the bisexual girl dead by some stray bullet 5 minutes after a sexual encounter. (or dead at all, from what I see so far in Wiki. (yes, I spoiled myself. After the Jason fuckup, I'm not to get attached to a bisexual girl again without checking she will not die on me.

So, so far, it looks good. And there is a warewolf there, also. Nice.

Don't fuck up this one, Show

day post

Feb. 24th, 2016 11:17 am
ernads: myself in KY (a waman on the beach)
* That coffee with the three instant spoons in it? Well, my brain is more awake, indeed. However, my allergy kicks ass now. (Took two Telfast at once. Perhaps I should scale this down a bit next time - two spoons and not three. My body obviously can't stand this much caffeine at once.)

*Yesterday though? was seriously fun. So much.

Tami and I wanted to go shopping- that is, I decided I need to gather up my courage and look for new dresses, as it has been two years and Dress Shopping is really hard for me. And Tami is a darling and also has excellent taste and we didn't see her in a month or so.

Hagar recced us Castro as they have good sales and some dresses that might even fit a woman who's size is 40, and not only 36-38. So, I said, why not? At the worst, we will find nothing and go look elsewhere.

And indeed, after several failed attempts, I found two cute dresses - one a red dress (I loved the intense red color) and the other a nice grey. Both a bit wintery and the red one might work as an evening dress.

And both of them together - 180 NIC only:)

And than [personal profile] antongarou arrived. Which was the cue, apparently, for the All The Silliness show that we manage to create between the two of us. We preformed masterfully, I must admit, and poor Tami was half laughing, half face-palmed over us.

[personal profile] antongarou needed some shirts and a new purse (badly. He never buys a new one until the damn thing is already torn to pieces.) We had found him two lovely shirts in Castro Man (one in a glorious blue color which works very well on him. As good as purple. ) and even a purse, although this one is smaller by far than his last one. Oh well. At least it's in one piece, yet.

Than, Tami introduced me to a new store - Goldbarry. Dear god, that place is as good as Mousner, and those of us who shop there knows what that means. Much cheaper, though. And the saleswoman are adorable, kind, and know their work.

I went out with a beautiful dark blue dress, that made [personal profile] antongarou smile his huge Shark Smile. And would have done the same to Hagar,I think. It's that good. However, as it was 300 NIC, I decided that that's it - this one is perfect and we have no budget for more.

Tami didn't agree with me, however. Before trying the blue dress I tried another one that was adorable. So, after we payed for the dress I chose, she told us "wait outside, I will just pay for mine now and meet you" (she found an absolutely lovely light pink dress that suited her to a T. Just perfect. And I loved the soft pink color on her:)

Anyhow, she meets us outside after a few minutes, and I discover that she had bought me the other dress...That's Tami, all right

after that we wanted to have dinner together, so off to Zepra we went. On the grounds that it's an old favorite. I had the brilliant idea of parking in CP (we do work there, so why not take advantage of a perfectly good parking place?)

We had a great time and great food. However, I woke up during the night with a horrible heartburn, that ended up in my coughing my guts out. Hence my need for the Wake Up Coffee, that ended up with an allergy. Oh well. The Telfast is keeping this contained, at least.)
ernads: Fenic (Default)
Rather steady. I had my first Biofeedback season Wednesday - was extremely impressed. Those guys are far more professional than the therapist that treated me a few years ago. Most of my issues - IBS, Anxiety, PTSD, sleep issues, even vaginismus - are treatable by Biofeedback according to what they state. Everything but depression and Fibro. But at least they can help me deal better with the last.

When we started working, the therapist said that my base level is very good, but that until I will reach the state where I can do Biofeedback automatically, I will be depended on the feedback from the computer. So that’s my end-goal.

And today was nice – we went to Unamy to see L before she hits off for a year to China, for work. She was accompanied by baby sister Daria. We were very happy to see her. Daria is an adorable human-shaped kitten. Always fun.

And I managed easily to sell her the 100:)

However, she did something that just killed me – we needed some tip, OK? So what do you think the girl does? She shoves her hand down her breast and comes up with money….I nearly died laughing, than and there. That girl.

And tomorrow should be fun also - KY and planes! And good company and than makeup and probebly some time in that good cafe. I am so happy.
ernads: beauty (Bird of paradise)
I'm finding this book so interesting, and there is so much for me to learn from it, that I think I want to discuss it here..

I’m certain that my discussions will seem immature and somewhat childish, in a sense, since I’m not really a scholar. I’m possessed with high intelligence – somewhere between moderately Gifted to highly gifted. It’s tested and proven. (even my ADHD diagnose showed that. As well as several other people who’s opinion is highly important to me.)

However, I’m a amateur. And my integration abilities are not exactly brilliant, to say it mildly. (ADHD, too many years since my Uni days, and so on.)

But I really want to assimilate as much as possible from this book, and this is the only way I can think of that will be efficient.

So – I found something in the first chapter: "Willpower looks like much more than a metaphor. It seems to be like a muscles that could be fatigued through use. " (pp 23).

That makes much sense for me, it explained why on my bad days, when I'm using up most of my willpower just to get out o bed and into cloths, I've little ability to work.

Willpower is finite. There is no endless supply of it. It is an energy supply – an energy “budget”. And when one needs to divide budget between many needs, once might do poorly in all of them.

That what happens to me on bad Fibro days.
ernads: (fatuige)
most of the day was not that bad, however after work I went to by shoes – something that will be both prettier than my regular work shoes, and yet still as comfortable as possible. For shoes that do not hold my insoles. Those kind of shoes can be found only in one shop – Blue Heart. They have a large variety of orthopedic shoes. However, even there, shoes-shopping is an agonizing process for me.

I found a likable pair after a long, long search, (and with antongarou’s help, bless him for coming specially to help me). Than we went to buy books for the kids and a few other things. All in all, it took about two hours, and I was dizzy and too painful to walk at the end of it. Not much improvement since. Still can’t get up or walk without limping. Can’t work today, or even read much. ( right now I’m absorbed up too my ears in “Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength – Will Power. By Roy F. Baumesiter & John Tierney. It’s an absolutely fascinating, absorbing book. However, despite the fact the book is very readable, it’s not a light book. And since I want to absorve and understand everything I read, I chose to go lightly and slowly with it, and read only two or three chapters a day. And on days like today – not a one, alas.

I think that after I will finish this book I will want to delve deeper into this subject in other books. I think I will take a pip at Amazon later.

Now However I think I should not try to attempt any work. If I want to be safe for work tomorrow, best close laptop and hop into bed. Preferably with a cat or two.
ernads: Fenic (Default)
Not bad, all in all, although I'm not feeling to well - upset stomach and nausea. Even an hour after returning home. (the buses are really doing a number on me.)

I've thought today that a patch on the left eye will help me force the right eye to work while reading. The problem was only figuring out where to get the damn thing. We really had no idea at first, and my optometrist was out today or else the store was closed, because there was no answer there as well. So' I've ended up going to SuperPharm and asking them, and they did, actually, had just the thing. It's not comfortable, and it's pressing too hard on the glasses,but it works.

I’m conflicted about going to work with it, though, knowing very well that going with this thing will be both: physically uncomfortable and might result in pressure wounds around my eyes; might be awkward, very much, since it looks so ridicules. However, it will also assist very much with the eye sight problem, so. Don’t know yet.

However, a second day in a row in a rather crowded shopping mall took much spoons from me. (I'm not comfortable in closed, crowed places, to say the least. It's an overload on all my senses; eyes, touch, emotional empathy. Which is extremely strong in me).

So we plan to spent the evening lazing about and recouping, despite the fact that there is work to be had. The story for PurimGifts is done, at the worst if I will have no spoons for the other two bunnies running in my head right now, we will offer that one only as a treat/pinch hit (if I'll be called on of course)
ernads: Fenic (Default)
So we've had now two episodes from the third season. So far, I thought it's rather meh. There were some things that impressed me, but overall, the first two seasons of The 100 started each with quite a bit more of a bang.

We had lot's of Octavia, which is always a Win. Octavia is awesome. We had also our lovely Roan, kidnapping and dragging Clarke off by hair hair, almost. (He is hot and good looking and a great actor, and I loved him. Also, the piece of info on him in the end is intriguing. I'm looking foreword learning a lot more on him in the next few episodes. Hoping it will give us more insight into the grounders history and tradition and society, and what happened between Lexa and the Queen of the Ice nation, how did this enmity develop, and why and...one can go on and on on that.

Also, I was impressed with the Clarke-Bellamy reunion in episode two, with Roan, and of course, with the tiny bit off Clarke-Lexa interaction we've had.

And a bit more on that:

I love the dynamic between Clarke and Bellamy: They anchor each other. There is so much trust and a sense of family in their relationship. It's beautiful to see. Although, I admit that if those two will ever become a romantic partner, I will be intensely disappointed. It will just turn this lovely relationship into one more fucking cliquish. And me, I can't stand cliquish. Don't do it, show, just, do.not.do.it.

Yeah, I know, all the Bllercalrke people are probably howling for my blood now. Tough luck guys.

The relatiohship I'm invested in is Lexa-Clarke;

The Clarke-Bellamy relationship is balancing Clarke’s relationship with Lexa: If Bellamy is a familiar source of warmth, comfort, security, family, than Lexa is explosive – firework, passion, dynamite. In their brief reunion toward the end of the episode, Clarke didn’t lower her eyes from Lexa, not for a second, and there was so much fire in them.

In the end, though, I think that Lexa, because of her position and because of the decisions she had to make, can understand Clarke better than anyone, better even than Bellamy. He acts from his heart, while Lexa acts from her head. It makes her seem cold - but she is not, not at all. She cares a great deal. Only, unlike Bellamy, she does not have the luxury of acting on it.
ernads: Fenic (Default)
So, I managed to pull myself out of the depressive loop after about two hours. [personal profile] antongarou helped here by helping me see that despite the fact that despite the fact that my social anxiety often cripples me, there are some good things in me, as well. So, yes, I do not have the kind of swift-edged shinny intelligence and sharp wit that allows one to shine in a party, move the conversation along, provide answers easily. I’m shy. I’m awkward. I find it hard to open my mouth and participate in a conversation, even if it’s with people I know well and trust. I often feel pushed aside, rejected, unneeded. A burden that has nothing to give anyone.

But.I have self-insight into- and the courage to face those issues. And I work very hard on changing and breaking bad patterns and developing better ones, and maintain the borders and parameters. And I’m willing to face some demons. (by participating in the PTSD workout). And my self-awareness is extremely high. And I’m also a very loyal and caring person, for all that it’s worth.
So, maybe not a total waste of space and oxygen. But…

Anyhow. After I recovered I was able to work rather well, and around six decided that since my pants are all too big on me now, it’s time to go shopping. Decided to go to Golf since we still have a good card with some money in it, so why not?

[personal profile] antongarou came with me. The guy is awesome in this, by the way –he has a deep understanding of what works on who and why. Really. He could have made loads in styling and helping people choose cloths and all that. Anyhow, the result was 4 pants, 2 casual, 2 more stylish, (and one of them is size 40 that’s a first in over two years.

Than we went to near-by Honigman and he picked my sis two fabulous shirts in less than 5 minutes. The girls that tired to help him were rathe r stunned. They are not used to guys like this.
So, now I have 4 well fitting pants, and I’m glad for it. Something new to wear for the birthday party this Saturday. (My sis and niece – baby girl is one year old.)

day post

Jan. 28th, 2016 08:12 pm
ernads: (fatuige)
* Icon a good indication of status.

* Bus drivers a a menace to public health: Aside from the fact that I'm nearly throwing up from nausea (sea sickness, made worse because of how jumpy is the ride in most buses), they love to stop suddenly and with violence – each time I’m almost thrown half way across the bus or else having my arm nearly twisted. Not fun.

*Sleep doctor today – adorable woman. Who, upon hearing all the issues and symptoms, diagnosed my sleep issues as the kind she can’t help. Because I can actually fall asleep most of the nights – the problems is that I have a very shallow sleep, with vivid, lucid nightmares, and that I wake up every two hours. And that I have hyper-sensitive issues to full bladder, dry skin, noises and so on. (she recced me to consult an urologist

* However. She did rec me something that might very well work on several issues (if not necessarily on the sleep issue ): There is a Workshop on Mindfulness in Shiva hospital. In this Workshop there are therapist who teach and provide tools that should assist dealing with stress better. Among other things, they aim to teach us to learn how to reduce Autopilot Mod: That is, to avoid as much as possible thee pattern of Automatic thought-reaction mode. That will do me loads of good. It’s 1000 NIS, 8 weeks. The big minus – I will need to leave work every week on 14 to get there on time.

*Rest of the day went slow. The Morphine patchs begin to cause me problems – constipation…so I had to take the extra 5 MG, and now I wil actually try to eat things not allowed n the Crohn diet in order to resolve this one.
ernads: (rain)
Quite tired.

I had an appointment in Asuta, at the pain clinic,at 8:20. Was not very happy with that, but I prepared my cloths yesterday, and placed the meds in my bag, and ordered a taxi for 7:50.

And this morning I wake up from a nightmare all dizzy and absent-minded. I grab wildly for my phone to check the time - and it's 8:10. Great.

Luckily enough, my taxi driver was late as well, and he was willing to wait for 5 minutes - told him to start the timer so that he will not loose money on me. Not his fault after all. I blessed my gods that everything was ready, got dressed in 5 minutes, washed my teeth, and out I go.

Without a fucking coat or umbrella for the upcoming rain. Or gloves, or scarf. or a breakfast. Even didn't have time to tie my shoes properly. The sight I made...

The driver was really adorable. And that was a good thing, as we had spent a good 50 minutes together...

However, they didn't even comment on it when I arrived on the clinic and apologized - told me that because of the mess people are late today anyhow. No biggy.

The good pain doc told me to double the morphine amount, and we will see what happens from there. f

Than I recalled I didn't take my meds yet, and it was after 10 am. Also, there was nothing to eat. However I knew it will take me an hour to get to work, so I took all the meds on an empty stomach, preferring that to not taking them at all.

Of stories news - we had worked yesterday on out first Killjoy fic, and I'm happy with it. It's ready to be submitted for either a treat or a pinch hit, (that one will depend if the story will fit any of the requests the pinch hitter will need to answer to. However, since I wrote that story in 24 hours, I think I will be able to handle even a fresh story in a short time. I know now I can do it.

Also, outside - nice, nice weather - strong winds that nearly pushed me off my feet. And rain is starting. And snow in the north of the country. I hear that everything over 900 m' will get some snow.

I will fucking not come anywhere near facebook in the next week at least.
ernads: Third season, the 100 (Lexa and Clarke)
Even if I don't know how good is the story itself, how well did I capture the voices, and so on. But it's something I wanted to for years, and never had the guts to go ahead and do it.

But - I didn't try my own hand. Didn't think I'm good enough, or that my English is good enough, or that I will not get stuck in the first paragraph. I almost reconcile myself to the fact that this is beyond me and not something I can accomplish.

I don't know what forced my hand after all this time into trying. But - here is he lesson of mercy

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ernads

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