ernads: Fenic (Default)
"sometimes you say or do bad things while you’re in an awful mental place. sometimes you say things that are rude or uncalled for or manipulative. and i’m not going to hold that against you. mental illness is hard, and no one is perfect. but once you’re through that episode, you need to take steps to make amends. you need to apologize.

“i couldn’t help it, i was having a bad episode” is a justification, not an apology.

“i’m so fucking sorry, i fucked up, i don’t deserve to live, i should stop talking to anyone ever, i should die” is a second breakdown and a guilt trip. it is not an apology.

when you apologize, the focus should be on the person you hurt. “i’m sorry. i did something that was hurtful to you. even if i was having a rough time, you didn’t deserve to hear that,” is a better apology. if it was a small thing, you can leave it at that.

if you caused significant distress to the other person, this is a good time to talk about how you can minimize damage in the future. and again, even if it is tempting to say you should self-isolate and/or die, that is not a helpful suggestion. it will result in the person you’re talking to trying to talk you out of doing that, which makes your guilt the focus of the conversation instead of their hurt.

you deserve friendship, and you deserve support. but a supportive friend is not an emotional punching bag, and mental illness does not absolve you of responsibility for your actions. what you say during a mental breakdown doesn’t define you. how you deal with the aftermath though, says a lot."

From: What not to do when you're in a bad episode
ernads: Fenic (Default)
So. I've had several horrible hours off deep despair and depression combined with burning rage. At some point after I've nearly broke our fridge, I've realized that something much be done, now. .

However, our usual option is Lavender and Micromeria fruticosa. However, that would have made the depression worse.

So, [personal profile] antongarou suggested trying Micromeria fruticosa and lemon verbena and it worked like charm. I have no idea why, but it both soothed the rage and eased somewhat the depression.

So this one goes under "things to remember".
ernads: sea (sea)
* I've spent the last few days without the Concerta, since I want at least on weekend to work on maintaining Energy budget without the med. Had success yesterday, less today.

* Today was [personal profile] lovechilde's birthday Beach party. Tami took us, and we had spent about two hours sitting on the grass, looking at the very blue sea, and chatting. I had a short dip in the water, but the water didn't feel nice enough to linger in. We left just as the sun went down.

* It was surprisingly Not Hot, because we had constant delicious wind from the sea. However, all of us somehow were sticky, despite that.

* I managed to not get burned this time - almost. The new cream proved quite efficient.

* Tami told me something important on the way back, which I think is completely true: " You have a whole complete, independent life. Build yourself on that and expand that." That's also what Gita told me on the session we did back than with [personal profile] antongarou. I think that I'm almost there in practice, and now I've got to work on getting there in my mind - completely break the old patterns. Since I've already broke a few patterns in the last few years, I think it's doable, even if it's hard work.

* We have finished the last episode of the last season in POI ): I will now be on edge until season five begins. Don't know how there will tie all threads in just 13 episode, it will have to be so tight. They have to rebuild the Machine, win in the fight with Samaritan, get Shaw back and close her arch of the story. Each of those archs would have been enough to hold a good few episodes, so.

* I'm also close to finishing Voyager, which means I will have to find a new series for myself, and that will take some doing. Might watch again from the start slowly until I find something.
ernads: Fenic (Default)
Since I have multiply communication issues, I thought it's best to make a post that will clearly state my own particular distress signals - as long as I'm in a state of mind that allows me to do so. Cause: When I'm in a deep trigger episode, it's often that can't bring myself to ask for assistance. I just can't. Verbalizing clearly that I'm in distress is extremely difficult; asking for help is even worse.

I was not even aware that this might be a problem till today,when [personal profile] lovechilde and I talked about the party last week. At the time, I was in quite a bit of distress, and crying often. (although very quietly. I kept going to the bathroom so that the tears will not be obvious. )

But I was not able to say "I"m in distress, please Hagar/Tami/[personal profile] antongarou tell me where there is a safe room here/can I have a hug/food please?

No, I disengaged and pushed the world away.

So, if I do any of the following, it's more likely to be a trigger or emotional issue rather than a physical problem:

1: If I pretend to be asleep, it's my most acute sign of distress. It's Shutting down mode, I can't deal with my surrendering.

2: If I go quite after being engaged, and just sit and stare of listen without contributing a word.

3; If I keep going away to the bathroom. In a good % of those times I use the privacy to cry

4: If I go dizzy. Physically. Or report nausea. All of that will be very real, just from stress.

5: If I suddenly go to sit on the floor just to have a bit of physical connection with someone. That one is the second worst distress signal.

6: If I sit with arms shut down tight in self defense.

That it, I think. It might be reposted from time to time according to need.

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